The Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!

I hope you are doing well and February is feeling more ease-full than January (I’m not sure what your January was like, but mine was LONG).

Like many of us, I’ve been hard at work in my own personal therapy on processing some of the difficult experiences I’ve gone through and growing my awareness of the old patterns I carry with me, many of which I don’t even realize are still hanging around. And just like my clients, I have had several moments where I’ve said out loud “I honestly thought I worked through that already! Why is it coming up for me again?” My answer to myself recently has been this: healing has many layers.

Elizabeth GilletteFebruary 8, 2022avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, attachment style, attachment theory, avoidant attachment, attachment, disorganized attachment, avoidant dismissiveComment

Flexibility and Secure Relationships

The themes of flexibility and patience have been up for me lately. Do you ever notice how the same lessons keep coming up over and over again until we finally learn them? For me, the lessons related to flexibility and patience usually have to do with reworking all of my big plans, pivoting last minute, WAITING (the worst!), and soooo many deep breaths.

Elizabeth GilletteJune 8, 2021secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, attachment theory, attachment, attachment styles, Cultivating Secure Attachment Comments

Are you intentionally cultivating healthy relationships?

One of the things I’ve learned as I have engaged in attachment work is that healthy relationships don’t just happen—we have to cultivate them. Even relationships that naturally fall into place in our lives require our care and attention. Eventually, they will need us to invest in them and devote our time and energy to helping them grow.

So why not start now?

Elizabeth GilletteFebruary 23, 2021attachment, secure attachment, attachment styles, secure attachment style, emotional safety, healthy communication in relationships, secure attachment relationship, effective communication in relationships, improving communication in a relationshipComment

How to Apologize When You Haven't Done Anything Wrong

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner let you know they wouldn’t be able to move on until you apologize to them? And you’re wondering why you should have to apologize when you don’t even know what you’re arguing about (and you clearly didn’t do anything wrong and they should get over it)?

Yep. It’s definitely a thing.

Elizabeth GilletteJanuary 20, 2019healthy relationships, relationship anxiety, relationship counseling, marriage counseling, apologizing, saying sorry, attachment, attachment theory, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant trap Comments

What does it mean to do the work in relationships? (and some hard truths)

Today, I want to share some of what I believe it means to do the work in relationships. This list is derived from my own journey toward security and relationship health as well as my professional trainings and clinical experience; it’s not exhaustive by any means, but includes some topics that I don’t think we read about in popular books or magazines.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 29, 2018attachment theory, attachment styles, effective communication, mental health, counselor, relationship anxiety, attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment Comments

Nonmonogamy and Attachment

Relationship structures continue to evolve. As people become more conscious and aware of how they show up in relationships and the work good relationships require, I see folks becoming more creative in the ways they get their needs met and how they meet their partners needs. The concept of nonmonogamy is not new by any means, but the words “open relationship” and “polyamory” are making their way into mainstream conversations about love, attachment, and partnership more and more often.

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 17, 2018attachment styles, attachment, nonmonogamy, relationships, partnerships, communication, attachment style, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment style, anxious ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, how to self soothe anxious attachment Comments

A Relationship Permission Slip

Keeping relationships healthy is hard work. For social and cultural reasons, many people choose to keep their relationship challenges private. I totally get it, and I also think it's sad that many of us grow up assuming that if we love someone, the relationship will work itself out and everything will be okay. That belief is far from the truth, in my opinion. And most of the time, we don't learn otherwise.

Elizabeth GilletteMay 28, 2018attachment, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, anxious ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant, boundaries, permission slip, relationshipsComment

If You Are In a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner

Hello!

I am going to be completely honest here and do a little self-disclosure: I have always been in relationships with people who have shown up with some piece of the avoidant attachment adaptation. Always. My current partner is much more secure and only occasionally will the avoidant part come forward (side note: we have gone to therapy together to work on this dynamic, it didn’t just “happen”), but we had our struggles in the beginning of our relationship, and I fell into my old anxious patterns. We had to do a lot of work to get to where we are now.

Elizabeth GilletteMay 14, 2018anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, healthy relationships, attachment, attachment theory, secure attachment, insecure attachment, anxious ambivalent Comments

What does it mean to have secure attachment, anyway?

Hi!

As I'm facilitating the Attachment Exploration Group (another one is happening in June!) that started last week, I am realizing how often I have alluded to the concept of secure attachment, but haven't spent much time focused directly on the importance of secure attachment--or what it really means to embody security in relationships. So let's dive in!

Elizabeth GilletteMay 7, 2018attachment, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, anxious ambivalent, avoidant attachment, relationships, healthy relationships, secure attachment, insecure attachment, partnerships, marriage Comments

A Love Letter to the Insecurely Attached

Dear You,

I want you to know I see you.

Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.

Elizabeth GilletteApril 22, 2018attachment, attachment theory, insecure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, relationships, secure attachment, healthy relationships Comments

Did you choose the wrong partner?

In my sessions and my friendships, we do this dance about how things are going in our partnerships. We talk about some of the good things happening in the relationship, the challenges, and the day to day struggle. Then at some point, we get to the deep, nagging fear that I would venture to guess nearly every person in a long-term relationship has thought at one point or another: did I choose the wrong partner?

Elizabeth GilletteApril 16, 2018attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, secure attachment, insecure attachment, relationships, healthy relationshipsComment

heirloom counseling blog

© 2018 Heirloom Counseling