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Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner let you know they wouldn’t be able to move on until you apologize to them? And you’re wondering why you should have to apologize when you don’t even know what you’re arguing about (and you clearly didn’t do anything wrong and they should get over it)?
Yep. It’s definitely a thing.
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Today, I want to share some of what I believe it means to do the work in relationships. This list is derived from my own journey toward security and relationship health as well as my professional trainings and clinical experience; it’s not exhaustive by any means, but includes some topics that I don’t think we read about in popular books or magazines.
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Relationship structures continue to evolve. As people become more conscious and aware of how they show up in relationships and the work good relationships require, I see folks becoming more creative in the ways they get their needs met and how they meet their partners needs. The concept of nonmonogamy is not new by any means, but the words “open relationship” and “polyamory” are making their way into mainstream conversations about love, attachment, and partnership more and more often.
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Keeping relationships healthy is hard work. For social and cultural reasons, many people choose to keep their relationship challenges private. I totally get it, and I also think it's sad that many of us grow up assuming that if we love someone, the relationship will work itself out and everything will be okay. That belief is far from the truth, in my opinion. And most of the time, we don't learn otherwise.
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Hello!
I am going to be completely honest here and do a little self-disclosure: I have always been in relationships with people who have shown up with some piece of the avoidant attachment adaptation. Always. My current partner is much more secure and only occasionally will the avoidant part come forward (side note: we have gone to therapy together to work on this dynamic, it didn’t just “happen”), but we had our struggles in the beginning of our relationship, and I fell into my old anxious patterns. We had to do a lot of work to get to where we are now.
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Hi!
As I'm facilitating the Attachment Exploration Group (another one is happening in June!) that started last week, I am realizing how often I have alluded to the concept of secure attachment, but haven't spent much time focused directly on the importance of secure attachment--or what it really means to embody security in relationships. So let's dive in!
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Dear You,
I want you to know I see you.
Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.
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In my sessions and my friendships, we do this dance about how things are going in our partnerships. We talk about some of the good things happening in the relationship, the challenges, and the day to day struggle. Then at some point, we get to the deep, nagging fear that I would venture to guess nearly every person in a long-term relationship has thought at one point or another: did I choose the wrong partner?
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Relationship disconnection is a common occurrence in many relationships, and it makes sense why—we can’t be attuned to our partner and their needs all the time, and even if we are, it’s likely that we will make mistakes as far as anticipating what they may need or the type of support that will feel best for them. In secure relationships, when partners recognize they have become disconnected, they intentionally work together to repair the attachment rupture, come back together, and be sure they are on the same page as they move forward in their relationship.
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Hi!
I've found in my life that one of the most frustrating aspects of being in relationships with others is negotiating competing feelings. For example, I love my partner so much and then the times when we argue or have other types of relationship "misses", I feel so frustrated and annoyed that it takes everything I have to turn toward our relationship instead of away from it. The times when I can't find the strength, logic, and/or trust to turn toward our partnership, I can engage in other patterns that are not helpful at all--but it doesn't mean I don't love my partner or don't want to reconnect. I see this in my practice with couples all the time. We've talked recently about self-sabotage, self-abandonment, and relationship triggers. Today I want to pull all of those concepts together.
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Hi!
One of my favorite things to do with clients is explore attachment patterns. As we know, our attachment patterning begins very early in our lives. Changing these patterns requires focus, information, and processing—and it’s totally possible to shift them to a more secure way of operating.
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