Should I stay or should I go?: The anxious-avoidant dynamic in relationships

I recently received a question from someone I’m connected with via social media. She reached out with this information about her relationship challenges (which I’ve edited so she remains anonymous). I’ve chosen to share it with her permission because I feel confident others have had similar experiences in their partnerships and I know how common the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is. I suspect that if you have ever been in a partnership with this dynamic, this person’s experience will ring true for you.

4 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Sustainable

I get questions regularly from folks asking things like, “based on what’s happening right now in our relationship, do you think we can make it? Is it worth trying?” And I totally understand that consideration, especially when you’ve been doing what feels like EVERYTHING to try to make the relationship work.

Here’s what I will say: there is a lot to think about when it comes to determining whether your relationship is something you can participate in for the long haul. I want to offer some aspects of your partnership to consider if you are finding yourself wondering this same thing.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

I want to start off by sharing something vulnerable with you. An interesting thing has happened for me as I’ve been working on the Understanding Avoidant Attachment Course.

I started to doubt myself.

I started to feel disoriented as I came up against all of the ways that I too have been conditioned to believe that the avoidant style is “bad.” I started to ask myself if I really know how attachment theory works, if I even understand attachment and connection and how to heal our relationships. I was incredibly uncomfortable and also really sad. Moving forward required me to tap into my resources, ask for help, and sit with the doubt long enough to transform it into something I could work with.

A Conversation with The Breakup Therapist

Y’all, I am so excited about the blog this week. As a proponent of healthy relationships, I am also a proponent of healthy breakups—because breakups are part of the relationship continuum. Sometimes after digging in to the personal and relationship work, we might realize that we have come to the end of a partnership (note: this comes back to the idea that the work in relationships may not have the outcome we were hoping for). This realization can be painful or liberating or unimaginable (or any combination of those emotions) and to me, it’s really important that we navigate this part of the relationship in a way that allows for dignity for ourselves and our partner.

Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let's talk about the differences.

I receive many comments on my blog posts about people with the avoidant attachment adaptation. Some people feel relieved to know that there are ways to work with this attachment style and foster more secure connections in their relationships. Other people respond strongly to the posts, letting me know that they don’t feel it’s at all possible to work with this style and people with the avoidant adaptation should absolutely be avoided.

So that’s what we’re talking about today.

The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic in Sexual Relationships with Jamie Brazell (Part 3)

We are back this week with the final piece of the Sex & Attachment Interview Series with Jamie Brazell! We are continuing our conversation about the anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, and Jamie is providing some tools and resources she offers to her clients when they are coping with this dynamic.

When You Are Triggered in Your Relationship

Hello!

We've talked over the past several weeks about the importance of understanding attachment, how to learn our attachment styles, and some strategies for identifying our needs and our partner's needs when we are feeling disconnected. That's a lot of information! Thank you for being here and exploring this with me.

What You and Your Partner Need to Know to Resolve Arguments

Hello!

I'm excited to be back with you this week to share more about attachment styles and how we can be more connected, responsive, and present in our relationships with each other. These qualities make a huge difference in how our relationships feel, how our families operate, and our general outlook on life. Thanks for being here with me! And as always, if you have any questions you are welcome to leave them in the comments or email me!

No, I Can't Just "Get Over It": Understanding Highly Sensitive People

When I was young, people commented on my sensitivity. They would tell me that everyone knows how I am feeling by the look on my face, that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I learned that I needed to toughen up, thicken my skin, get a better poker face if I was going to avoid further comments and keep anything to myself. It sounded harsh then, but what I know now is that these people were trying to protect me. They could see that the way I walked through the world was not going to be easy for me, and that if I showed up just how I was, I would get hurt. A lot. Who wants that for someone they care about? Parents want to protect their children from pain and loss as much as possible. But what I have learned is that there is no way my family could have protected me from what would come. My parents would have done absolutely anything to save me from my life experiences and the depth of feeling that would accompany those moments, but they just couldn’t. They had to figure out how to support me.

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