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What I Wish I Knew About Attachment 20 Years Ago

I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 15, 2021attachment styles, attachment style, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, anxious partner, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

How to Give Your Partner Space

A common question in relationships is “how much space should I give my partner?” It’s tricky to navigate this at times, especially if you are in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Your partner indicates they want space, but you want to know *exactly* what that means. This desire is completely understandable—we know that for folks with the anxious attachment adaptation, that space can feel excruciating at times. And of course, you want to do it well and be respectful of your partner’s needs.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 2, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

Everything You Wanted to Know about Your Avoidant Partner

I am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 18, 2021avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, avoidant partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work, avoidant attachment style, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 5, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, signs an avoidant loves you, how to make anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

Why Consistency Matters

If you’ve been around Heirloom for a while, you already know this but I think it’s important to share again: connected relationships require the presence of intentional behaviors just as much as the absence of unhealthy patterns.

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 30, 2021anxious attachment, attachment styles, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

What you need to know about your avoidant partner (and what they’re thinking about you)

First, I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who participated in the Pay What You Please Online Course Event last week. Every time you share my blog or courses with someone else, you support my life’s work and help my little family stay afloat during this very weird time. If you purchased a course, I can’t wait to hear from you (anytime, even if you purchased one long ago!)—please shoot me an email or fill out the survey at the end to let me know how I can keep providing the material that is interesting and helpful to you.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 30, 2020anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, anxious-ambivalent, attachment styles, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Should I stay or should I go?: The anxious-avoidant dynamic in relationships

I recently received a question from someone I’m connected with via social media. She reached out with this information about her relationship challenges (which I’ve edited so she remains anonymous). I’ve chosen to share it with her permission because I feel confident others have had similar experiences in their partnerships and I know how common the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is. I suspect that if you have ever been in a partnership with this dynamic, this person’s experience will ring true for you.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 10, 2020anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant trap, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant dismissive, fearful avoidant, heirloom counseling, attachment styles, attachment theory Comments

4 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Sustainable

I get questions regularly from folks asking things like, “based on what’s happening right now in our relationship, do you think we can make it? Is it worth trying?” And I totally understand that consideration, especially when you’ve been doing what feels like EVERYTHING to try to make the relationship work.

Here’s what I will say: there is a lot to think about when it comes to determining whether your relationship is something you can participate in for the long haul. I want to offer some aspects of your partnership to consider if you are finding yourself wondering this same thing.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 14, 2019anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, avoidant dismissive, fearful avoidant, anxious-avoidant, healthy relationships, avoidant partner, heirloom counselingComment

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

I want to start off by sharing something vulnerable with you. An interesting thing has happened for me as I’ve been working on the Understanding Avoidant Attachment Course.

I started to doubt myself.

I started to feel disoriented as I came up against all of the ways that I too have been conditioned to believe that the avoidant style is “bad.” I started to ask myself if I really know how attachment theory works, if I even understand attachment and connection and how to heal our relationships. I was incredibly uncomfortable and also really sad. Moving forward required me to tap into my resources, ask for help, and sit with the doubt long enough to transform it into something I could work with.

Elizabeth GilletteMarch 24, 2019avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, fearful avoidant, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant, heirloom counselingComment

Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let's talk about the differences.

I receive many comments on my blog posts about people with the avoidant attachment adaptation. Some people feel relieved to know that there are ways to work with this attachment style and foster more secure connections in their relationships. Other people respond strongly to the posts, letting me know that they don’t feel it’s at all possible to work with this style and people with the avoidant adaptation should absolutely be avoided.

So that’s what we’re talking about today.

Elizabeth GilletteFebruary 3, 2019avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, anxious-avoidant, fearful avoidant, avoidant dismissive, heirloom counseling Comments

Nonmonogamy and Attachment

Relationship structures continue to evolve. As people become more conscious and aware of how they show up in relationships and the work good relationships require, I see folks becoming more creative in the ways they get their needs met and how they meet their partners needs. The concept of nonmonogamy is not new by any means, but the words “open relationship” and “polyamory” are making their way into mainstream conversations about love, attachment, and partnership more and more often.

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 17, 2018attachment styles, attachment, nonmonogamy, relationships, partnerships, communication, attachment style, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment style, anxious ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, how to self soothe anxious attachment Comments

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