First, I want to name how important it is to recognize how triggering it can feel to be part of an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. This is one of the most common relationship pairings, and as an attachment specialist and couples therapist, I have seen this one time and again. It’s painful for both partners and connects us back to the most wounded versions of ourselves.
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Read MoreI recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.
Read MoreA common question in relationships is “how much space should I give my partner?” It’s tricky to navigate this at times, especially if you are in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Your partner indicates they want space, but you want to know *exactly* what that means. This desire is completely understandable—we know that for folks with the anxious attachment adaptation, that space can feel excruciating at times. And of course, you want to do it well and be respectful of your partner’s needs.
Read MoreI am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.
Read MoreOne of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.
Read MoreThis moment in history is not new; I know in my heart and feel in my body that we have been here before, that people of color and queer folks and other marginalized groups have been feeling this pain for as long as they have been alive. We must honor and acknowledge that if we are going to step forward with integrity…
Read MoreWe are back this week with the final piece of the Sex & Attachment Interview Series with Jamie Brazell! We are continuing our conversation about the anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, and Jamie is providing some tools and resources she offers to her clients when they are coping with this dynamic.
Read MoreThis week, we are diving right into the anxious-avoidant relationship pattern--one of the most common challenges partners face--and how it shows up in sexual and intimate relationships. Even the mild form of this dynamic can be incredibly frustrating and upsetting in relationships, and I believe it's important for us to look out for how it shows up in our own relationships (and how we engage in it personally)…
Read MoreI feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to talk with Jamie Brazell, M. Ed., LMFT, CST in this first interview about Sex & Attachment. During this first piece, we are talking about the work Jamie does, the different variables that can impact intimacy, and the importance of flexibility in relationships…
Read MoreI first learned about the concept of anxious attachment in adulthood from Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. A friend recommended it to me for the challenges I was experiencing in my partnership, and I sat in the tea house, tears streaming down my cheeks, as I saw my own attachment patterns clearly for the first time. I utilized attachment theory in my work with young children previously, but had never extended my understanding or knowledge to adult attachment. My mind was blown.
Read MoreKeeping relationships healthy is hard work. For social and cultural reasons, many people choose to keep their relationship challenges private. I totally get it, and I also think it's sad that many of us grow up assuming that if we love someone, the relationship will work itself out and everything will be okay. That belief is far from the truth, in my opinion. And most of the time, we don't learn otherwise.
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