A Love Letter to the Insecurely Attached

A Love Letter to the Insecurely Attached

Dear You,

I want you to know I see you.

Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.

Did you choose the wrong partner?

Did you choose the wrong partner?

In my sessions and my friendships, we do this dance about how things are going in our partnerships. We talk about some of the good things happening in the relationship, the challenges, and the day to day struggle. Then at some point, we get to the deep, nagging fear that I would venture to guess nearly every person in a long-term relationship has thought at one point or another: did I choose the wrong partner?

Resilience and Repair Are Where It’s At

Resilience and Repair Are Where It’s At

Relationship disconnection is a common occurrence in many relationships, and it makes sense why—we can’t be attuned to our partner and their needs all the time, and even if we are, it’s likely that we will make mistakes as far as anticipating what they may need or the type of support that will feel best for them. In secure relationships, when partners recognize they have become disconnected, they intentionally work together to repair the attachment rupture, come back together, and be sure they are on the same page as they move forward in their relationship.

What Sabotaging, Blaming, and Pulling Away Have in Common in Relationships

What Sabotaging, Blaming, and Pulling Away Have in Common in Relationships

Hi!

I've found in my life that one of the most frustrating aspects of being in relationships with others is negotiating competing feelings. For example, I love my partner so much and then the times when we argue or have other types of relationship "misses", I feel so frustrated and annoyed that it takes everything I have to turn toward our relationship instead of away from it. The times when I can't find the strength, logic, and/or trust to turn toward our partnership, I can engage in other patterns that are not helpful at all--but it doesn't mean I don't love my partner or don't want to reconnect. I see this in my practice with couples all the time. We've talked recently about self-sabotage, self-abandonment, and relationship triggers. Today I want to pull all of those concepts together.

How We Learn to Abandon Ourselves

How We Learn to Abandon Ourselves

Have you ever abandoned yourself? Chosen someone else’s comfort, needs, or happiness over your own over and over again? Tamped down your own desires just to make someone else feel more comfortable? Known that what was happening in a relationship was just not working for you but stayed with it anyway?

Me too.

You Have Cancer

You Have Cancer

This is the first time I have written any part of my cancer story. It’s not perfect; in fact, it’s far from it. It’s also long. If you have been to therapy before, you know that the first time we speak or write a story that is based in traumatic experience, we are sometimes surprised. This is pretty personal. I am telling this story because I know there are people out there who have had this experience, or have a good friend or family member who has, and maybe this will help you understand. Maybe you won’t feel alone (you’re not). I also hope it may help you or a loved one advocate for yourself. Our bodies know things; mine did, and I’m glad I learned how to listen.

The Intersection of Attachment and Social Justice

The Intersection of Attachment and Social Justice

We have talked about attachment as a pattern of relating between two people, or even a family. This week, I want us to explore this from a bigger picture perspective.

There is a lot of hurt in the world right now, and there has been for a long time. Some of us are just waking up to the deep, chronic, persistent pain that people of color, LGBTQ people, native people, and differently-abled people (among others) have been experiencing for years. When we recognize the pain of others and are able to feel into the pain, we are motivated to make the pain go away.

On Taking Space and Fostering Sensitivity

On Taking Space and Fostering Sensitivity

Hi!

Thank you so much for following along with me as we explored the basics of attachment in relationships and why it's so very important to understand these concepts to create healthy relationships. This work is my passion and I love sharing it with you. Spring is such a wonderful time to take a look at our important relationships, clean out what no longer works, and implement new tools and strategies to support ourselves and each other. I'm thrilled to be working on some very exciting projects to do just that--so stay tuned for more information. And if you'd like to be the first to know about these projects, I'd love for you to hop on to my First to Know list.