Can I tell you a story about a girl who used to have a REALLY hard time in relationships?
She wanted to be in a relationship SO BADLY. She wanted to feel loved and respected. She wanted connection and to receive emotional support, and to give it, too. She tended to choose people who were emotionally distant or maybe needed to be convinced that they were ready for a relationship. This pattern didn’t work out well for her.
Read MoreI recently shared on the Becoming Relational podcast that I’ve been struggling with feelings of low self-worth and doubt—a crisis of confidence! I predicted this would happen when I signed the contract to write my new book. I knew that this level of devotion to something so important to me would challenge me in ways I hadn’t been challenged yet. I’m familiar with this territory, so I know it’s temporary, but that doesn’t mean it’s not tough when it happens.
Read MoreWelcome to the very first episode of Becoming Relational! I'm Elizabeth Gillette, LCSW and I'm so grateful you're here with me. In this episode, I discuss my passion for relationships, my own path to becoming an attachment specialist, and why I believe compassionate, nuanced connection is so vital in our world today.
Read MoreI have come to love December so much. I actually enjoy the shorter days and the very good excuse to cozy up at home. Candles, fires, hot tea. I love the lights in the dark. I have come to trust that this part of the year is important and that the longer warmer days will return. We can’t be sunny and blooming all the time. This time of year can serve as a respite from the constant busy-ness of our culture and give us the opportunity to return to a place of rest and regulation if we let it.
Read MoreMy oldest son (who is almost 6 now, for those of you who have been with me a long time!) had a Halloween parade at school. Naturally, he dressed as Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles (and the rest of us were his turtle entourage on Halloween night). The night before the parade, he asked me, “Mom, what if someone else is dressed as a ninja turtle in the parade? Will you know it’s me?”
Read MoreIt begins in small ways: making a different choice than we would otherwise because we think it will make us appear better or cooler or more interesting to someone else. Shifting how we relate to something that has been important to us because another person doesn’t see the same value in it. Minimizing our needs because they are inconvenient to someone else, and if we inconvenience that person, they might just go away.
Read MoreI’ve learned in my fifteen years as a therapist that many people did not receive adequate relational nourishment. This happens for many reasons—structural and systemic, trauma and neglect. Sometimes we don’t even know that we didn’t receive this type of nourishment because we don’t have any other perspective or experience; it’s just the reality. But what I’ve also learned is that relational nourishment can be cultivated at any point in our lives if we know what to look for and how to do it.
Read MoreFolks with insecure attachment styles have a skill in common that serves them in many capacities. It’s one that can show up in every type of relationship and tricks us into feeling like we are safe—by blending in, by being passive, by not drawing too much attention to ourselves. And it’s a behavior pattern that comes back to bite us SO HARD that once we stop doing it, life can change pretty dramatically and it can take some time to get ourselves back on track and feeling connected again.
Read MoreSince the start of the year, I have been really leaning into exploring the parts of my personality that I would rather not look at—the parts I’m shameful or embarrassed about, and the ones that I try to hide or keep at bay but always, always show up at some point in my relationships.
Read MoreYou may have heard that Western North Carolina was hit by Hurricane Helene, hundreds of miles from any coast, and the outcomes have been beyond devastating. To say the damage to the place we live is catastrophic doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of what our community is experiencing.
Read MoreIt’s important for us to understand our parts and what they are trying to do when we are using an attachment lens. These parts can give us so much information about our needs and what would be helpful and supportive to us in our current relationships (or inform us about what we really want and need in a partnership if we aren’t in one currently and want to be).
Read MoreOur environment is one of constant distraction, overwhelm, dysregulation and the desire to be almost anywhere that you are not currently. What if our work is to learn to channel those feelings into what matters most and let go of the rest?
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