I Want You to Step Into Your Agency

Hi there!

Can I tell you a story about a girl who used to have a REALLY hard time in relationships?

She wanted to be in a relationship SO BADLY. She wanted to feel loved and respected. She wanted connection and to receive emotional support, and to give it, too. She tended to choose people who were emotionally distant or maybe needed to be convinced that they were ready for a relationship. This pattern didn’t work out well for her.

She was filled with rage and resentment toward her partners. She wanted them to read her mind. She didn’t want to have to say anything and when she DID have to say something (about the way they were treating her or more often, what they *weren’t* doing) she was pissed. And as you can imagine, those conversations and relationships didn’t feel good. They were fraught with conflict and stress and most of all, anxiety. Deep down, she felt like she didn’t even deserve to be in a relationship where she was treated well because she hadn’t ever had it and everyone she chose to partner with kind of sucked. The common denominator was…her.

She kept at it. She was drawn to people who were distant and aloof, emotionally immature and unavailable (maybe just a little available, sometimes). She kept trying to prove to them that she was worth it—that she was different. This time, it will be better, she thought. This time, she would get her needs met. She kept leaving herself in search of a relationship that would make her feel valid and worthy—that would make her feel loved and lovable.

For years, she was agreeable because it felt easier and less scary. She was so nervous that someone would question what she actually wanted that she wouldn’t speak up. She didn’t want to rock the boat or ruffle feathers or anything else that sounded like it was causing extra trouble or stress. She stuffed it all down. She pushed it away. She accepted what was given to her in relationships and just took it all. She told herself she just had a lot of capacity for emotions and that everything was FINE.

It was fine until it wasn’t, and she stepped in a huge pile of shit (sorry, but that’s the only way to say it honestly). In her desire to tell a story in which she was able to hold everything for everyone and be a super-hero rescuer, she ended up in a situation that turned out to be extremely traumatic and ultimately changed the course of her life and career. It was bad—and she was ashamed because she learned then how quickly and easily she could betray herself, regardless of what was at stake. Some people might call this rock bottom.

I’m her (duh).

But not anymore, not really. That’s where the healing really began for me, and now I wouldn’t trade it because for me, rock bottom meant that it was only up from there.

I’m sharing this with you because I know so deeply what self-abandonment feels like. I used to make myself small because I didn’t want to intimidate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves. I knew what I was good at and I stuck with what was palatable because I could show who I was without upsetting anyone. But it wasn’t the whole picture and it certainly wasn’t all of me. Just the parts that felt like they would be accepted.

Self-abandonment can be small and subtle, or it can be big and obvious. Either way, it means you’re leaving yourself and choosing someone else’s comfort or needs over your own. It means putting yourself on a lower level than others. And what it really does is reveal how you feel about yourself.

I am still working to step fully into my agency. Even here, even with you! There are many things I want to talk about and opinions I want to share that feel too edgy for a therapist to say. I want you to like me and trust me, and sometimes I feel afraid that I am going to push you away. Writing this requires bravery, and since I’m asking you to be brave, I’m being braver, too.

So I’m claiming something that feels courageous for me: to fully step into my agency, my authority, my expertise, my wisdom, and my confidence. I’m moving into a new phase of my work—both personally and professionally. And I want you to come with me. I want us to do it together because if we are supporting and loving each other through the challenges that inevitably come with owning who we really are, it won’t be so lonely and scary.

I want you to become the person you want to be.

I believe that you can be a person who:

• Steps into your agency and feels confident in your relationships.

• Is able to walk away from anything that isn’t right for you with confidence.

• Says no when you mean no and feels really f*cking good about it.

• Feels amazing about your relationships and yourself because you are fully aligned with what you actually WANT.

I invite you to let go of the old story and build something that you really believe in.

Come Home to Yourself: Healing from Self-Abandonment is open for registration. I am SO EXCITED about this offering. It feels very resonant for me too. Come Home to Yourself is a 4 week hybrid workshop series with recorded videos and Live Q+As with me, plus a workbook so you can dig deeper into the topics we explore together. It’s a steal at $79 and I would really love to see you there.

I hope you know I’m rooting for you. We’ve got this :)

Sending love,

Elizabeth