I have a bit of a controversial opinion: maybe we should be investing in the relationships we have instead of fantasizing about something better.
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This blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.
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I have always wanted more in relationships.
I remember being in elementary school, maybe 7 or 8, and deeply longing for a best friend. I had friends, but I always felt a little bit on the outside of those relationships. They would automatically play with each other at recess, and I had to ask to join; they sat next to each other at lunch, and I had to try to squeeze in or just choose to sit somewhere else. It wasn’t that they were being mean or intentionally excluding me as much as they were just in their own world together, and I wasn’t a part of it in a meaningful way until I was right there in front of them.
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The Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!
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I have been dreaming about sharing some big news with you for months, and I am finally able to tell you! I’m just going to get right into it:
I wrote a book!
My toddler woke up at 4:15 this morning, and after that, my brain just wouldn’t shut off. I started thinking about how we address one another’s (and our own) attachment needs. I think social media has a wonderful place in our healing journey, and I am guilty of saving tons of posts intending to go back to them and explore them. But most often what happens is that an idea is triggered in my brain but never actually takes root. I love the concept, but I don’t actually learn how to apply it to my personal life or really get familiar with it. Am I learning when I do this? Or do I just feel like I’m soaking up information and then when it comes to applying it and showing up differently in my relationships, I’m following the same old patterns and feeling more frustrated because I’m overstimulated and full of information that I don’t have an outlet for?
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This time of year is always reflective for me. Something about the quality of the light and the chill in the air moves me to sit in my favorite coffee shop and journal about my year and everything that I’ve learned. And this year was another doozy, wasn’t it? We have been through it collectively and individually.
I’ve spent quite a bit of my relational life working to earn love from others. I didn’t know it for a long time, but I became really good at figuring out what people were looking for in a partner, in a friend—in whatever role I was playing, really—and I learned how to meet those needs REALLY well and without them even asking. It allowed me to feel important, special, and most importantly, loved (hello, fellow Enneagram 2s! I see you!).
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In the attachment and relationship world, we talk a lot about prioritizing connection, but we don’t necessarily talk about *how* to go about the connecting part. Depending on your attachment style, the prospect of creating connection may be fraught with stress or anxiety, or maybe even feelings of desperation or dread. I think it’s important to explore what it means to really connect with another person, what our goals are for connection, and how to connect in a way that feels natural and ultimately safe for us.
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I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.
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I am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.
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I read an article recently that shared this statistic that I hadn’t heard before in my attachment theory studies:
“Further research tells us that in approximately 85 percent of cases a child…will have the same attachment pattern as the parent” (Buckwalter and Ehmen, 2013).
It makes sense that children will have a similar attachment style to their caregiver in a number of cases—but 85% of the time?!
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I hope you are taking good care of yourself and you are feeling supported in your community.
I am taking the opportunity this week to answer a few questions that folks submitted to me via Instagram. I love being able to respond to your inquiries and provide some perspective from an attachment lens about your experiences. Thank you for your vulnerability and trust!
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