First, I want to name how important it is to recognize how triggering it can feel to be part of an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. This is one of the most common relationship pairings, and as an attachment specialist and couples therapist, I have seen this one time and again. It’s painful for both partners and connects us back to the most wounded versions of ourselves.
Read MoreSince the start of the year, I have been really leaning into exploring the parts of my personality that I would rather not look at—the parts I’m shameful or embarrassed about, and the ones that I try to hide or keep at bay but always, always show up at some point in my relationships.
Read MoreI remember so many times in my early romantic relationships (and honestly, some adult friendships) when I truly did ignore all the warnings, some of them as blatant as “I do not want to be in a relationship right now.”
Read MoreI want to talk about anxious attachment behaviors, impulses, and tendencies. I remember viscerally how it feels to be in relationship with someone who leans toward the avoidant end of the relational spectrum as a person who has the anxious style—and I would describe it as torturous at times, to be completely honest.
Read MoreThis blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.
Read MoreNow that I’ve done this work for a while, I’m able to see that there are a lot of different ways to utilize attachment theory. I think the most effective way to utilize attachment theory is using approachable and inclusive materials, dropping in to the body, and creating resources and strategies that build a felt sense of safety.
Read MoreThe Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!
Read MoreI recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.
Read MoreA common question in relationships is “how much space should I give my partner?” It’s tricky to navigate this at times, especially if you are in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Your partner indicates they want space, but you want to know *exactly* what that means. This desire is completely understandable—we know that for folks with the anxious attachment adaptation, that space can feel excruciating at times. And of course, you want to do it well and be respectful of your partner’s needs.
Read MoreI am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.
Read MoreOne of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.
Read MoreI recently received a question from someone I’m connected with via social media. She reached out with this information about her relationship challenges (which I’ve edited so she remains anonymous). I’ve chosen to share it with her permission because I feel confident others have had similar experiences in their partnerships and I know how common the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is. I suspect that if you have ever been in a partnership with this dynamic, this person’s experience will ring true for you.
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