Are you internally resourced?

Hi there!

Now that I’ve done this work for a while, I’m able to see that there are a lot of different ways to utilize attachment theory. As I mentioned in my last letter to you, so much of the focus tends to be on learning behavioral patterns and trying to shift our way out of discomfort by thinking about things differently. That works for some people, but I think the most effective way to utilize attachment theory is using approachable and inclusive materials, dropping in to the body, and creating resources and strategies that build a felt sense of safety.

Even then, old patterns die hard, don’t they? I was just reflecting on social media the other day about some of my own experiences with insecure attachment. I used to idealize relationships with the best of them. I would heap unsaid expectations upon a partner and then retreat to my anger and anxiety when those expectations weren’t met. I would walk into a conversation ready to fight, and I would fight to win—and prove to my partner that they weren’t enough, that they weren’t what I needed, but I also wasn’t willing to set the boundary and let them go.

My mood could shift on a dime if a partner said something that made me feel the slightest bit insecure. They wouldn’t even understand what happened, but I could create a narrative that lead us to the end of our road in about 15 seconds. I could work myself up, create visceral experiences in my body that would bring me to tears and my partner would stand there feeling completely left out of the loop of my brain.

If I’m honest, I still try to go there sometimes—because those old neural pathways sure are a pain in the ass.

But I have learned to do things differently in my relationships. I have learned how to be accountable in real ways. I have learned about my nervous system and why it does what it does. I have learned how those old ways of behaving have served me, and tended to the younger parts of myself that were always striving to be in the drivers seat. I have created safe space between the parts of myself internally, and between myself and other people that allow me to function in a way that is honest and also optimal.

It has been a long road for me to discover all of the internal resourcing I have available to me. It used to be that I relied on others to feel secure and stable; now I feel confident managing the ups and downs of being a human without having to immediately look to others for validation, or having to isolate until I felt regulated enough to have a conversation about what was up for me. We need ourselves and we need each other and striking that balance takes effort and wise guidance.

This work hasn’t come easily but my life is so much better for it. I want you to have that experience, too—that is why I do what I do now. The next opportunity to show up more fully for yourself and really shift your patterns is with HELD, a supported, integrative attachment coaching group I’m leading with Monica Leblanc. I don’t do anything that doesn’t make me feel excited when it comes to work projects these days, and this group makes me feel like bouncing off the walls with joy and anticipation! It’s experiential, person-centered, inclusive, and human—with gentle challenging, honest reflection, and a genuine desire to support you in creating new pathways and behaviors that serve you. HELD includes weekly group coaching on Thursdays at 11am EST, monthly 1:1 coaching, weekly drop in office hours, and a private online platform for resources and conversation. Also, have you SEEN the special guests? How could this NOT be so good and so fun?!

We are offering a payment plan, so you can put down the $300 deposit and pay your first payment the week of September 12. The cost of this group is about half of what 1:1 coaching costs with me currently, and it’s the lowest price at which we will offer this group if we run it again in the future.

I am here if you have any questions at all. I’m looking forward to connecting with you!

Warmly,

Elizabeth