In this eclipse time, where the things we don’t need are falling away left and right, I want to offer some permission slips for you:
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One of the things I share with clients all the time is the reminder that we come by our attachment patterning honestly. When we dig more deeply into this idea, we can recognize the importance of the family dynamics we experience when we are young and how those patterns shape our relationships as adults. So often, the stress of daily living becomes the soup we swim in as children.
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I have a bit of a controversial opinion: maybe we should be investing in the relationships we have instead of fantasizing about something better.
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I have been thinking a lot about how I used to think I had to hold space for EVERYTHING. It wasn't long ago that my boundaries were messy and I was overly accommodating. I caused myself a significant amount of anxiety (not to mention drama and ways to keep myself busy) by engaging in relational dynamics that were unhealthy and unpredictable.
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This blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.
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I’m so happy to be here checking in with you—it’s been a wild few weeks in our house. After recovering from several viruses, we finally got COVID and it was as terrible as I suspected it might be! We are on the mend now and I’m more grateful for our health than ever. I know lots of folks have been through it lately, whether it’s health-related challenges or just a lot arising in relationships and the collective. I want you to know that I see you and I know it’s hard, but we are moving through it one day at a time.
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Now that I’ve done this work for a while, I’m able to see that there are a lot of different ways to utilize attachment theory. I think the most effective way to utilize attachment theory is using approachable and inclusive materials, dropping in to the body, and creating resources and strategies that build a felt sense of safety.
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I have always wanted more in relationships.
I remember being in elementary school, maybe 7 or 8, and deeply longing for a best friend. I had friends, but I always felt a little bit on the outside of those relationships. They would automatically play with each other at recess, and I had to ask to join; they sat next to each other at lunch, and I had to try to squeeze in or just choose to sit somewhere else. It wasn’t that they were being mean or intentionally excluding me as much as they were just in their own world together, and I wasn’t a part of it in a meaningful way until I was right there in front of them.
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I have been thinking a lot about the idea of integration and disintegration (or abandonment) of ourselves—how easy it is to break ourselves into pieces to accommodate what’s happening in our lives. We learn how to do this when we are young. Because we are attuned to our environments, we quickly pick up on which parts of us are welcome and which parts are not, and soon we are able to put some parts away so that we are more palatable, more acceptable, and less..ourselves. This happens for all of us at some point, whether that is in our family of origin, elementary school, or later in our adolescence.
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The Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!
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My toddler woke up at 4:15 this morning, and after that, my brain just wouldn’t shut off. I started thinking about how we address one another’s (and our own) attachment needs. I think social media has a wonderful place in our healing journey, and I am guilty of saving tons of posts intending to go back to them and explore them. But most often what happens is that an idea is triggered in my brain but never actually takes root. I love the concept, but I don’t actually learn how to apply it to my personal life or really get familiar with it. Am I learning when I do this? Or do I just feel like I’m soaking up information and then when it comes to applying it and showing up differently in my relationships, I’m following the same old patterns and feeling more frustrated because I’m overstimulated and full of information that I don’t have an outlet for?
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In the attachment and relationship world, we talk a lot about prioritizing connection, but we don’t necessarily talk about *how* to go about the connecting part. Depending on your attachment style, the prospect of creating connection may be fraught with stress or anxiety, or maybe even feelings of desperation or dread. I think it’s important to explore what it means to really connect with another person, what our goals are for connection, and how to connect in a way that feels natural and ultimately safe for us.
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