What does it mean if I don't fit in?

Hello!

I hope you're taking good care. The weather is turning here and I'm feeling the back to school shift :) I love this time of year and it's usually very creative and reflective for me. I hope you're enjoying the transition.

I’ve shared before about my experiences with shapeshifting. As a highly sensitive person, my nervous system is acutely aware of how other people are doing and what they might need emotionally. I realized that I could use these skills to learn how to anticipate the needs of others so that I could do all the right things and they would be happy with me (and maybe even like me/love me/praise me, etc). As a mother now, I believe children want to please their parents, and this feeling extends into adulthood—it feels good to do the “right” thing for others and to meet their needs effectively. This is part of being human. However, when this goes too far, we can lose ourselves and our own needs in favor of accommodating other people. Resentment builds and we feel angry that we have put aside our own needs for as long as we have.

That’s just one way shapeshifting happens. Another way it shows up is when we abandon our own needs because we want to belong.

It begins in small ways: making a different choice than we would otherwise because we think it will make us appear better or cooler or more interesting to someone else. Shifting how we relate to something that has been important to us because another person doesn’t see the same value in it. Minimizing our needs because they are inconvenient to someone else, and if we inconvenience that person, they might just go away.

In 7th grade (yes, I’m going to reference something that happened almost 30 years ago, but please follow along), I played violin in the school orchestra. I was the epitome of dorky and I felt so awkward all the time, which I understand now to basically be a universal experience of adolescence. It was a tough year for me.

Our orchestra class went on a field trip to perform at a different school, and we stopped at McDonald’s on the way back for lunch. Going to a fast food restaurant with all of your school friends (and not being in school when you should be!) was a BIG deal then. And to top it off, the boy I had a huge crush on was also in orchestra and he was THERE. He was also literally nearly a foot shorter than me but it didn’t matter. He was behind me in line, and I knew he was going to hear what I ordered. I listened in to the conversation he was having to hear what HE was going to order. And then I ordered that—even though I had never had it and didn’t even know if I would like it. It was a split second decision of choosing someone else over myself and what felt right for me. I just wanted him to hear me get the same thing as him because it felt like it would mean something if he did. Well friends, it was a mediocre meal AND he didn’t even care (duh). To this day, I still think of this small self-abandonment and how each one of those moments adds up to something much bigger and more meaningful as time goes on. I also feel shame for this moment, and I offer myself lots of compassion for what I must have been feeling that lead me to leave myself and try to be someone that I wasn’t. It may seem small, but to me, it's a clear example of choosing someone else over myself, not for real love or commitment to one another, but for a fleeting moment of recognition, to try to fit in.

Belonging is a core human need, and it makes sense to me that we might consider letting go of parts of ourselves in order to be accepted and welcomed into community—because being in community means surviving. But true belonging doesn’t require us to leave ourselves behind. In her book Belonging, Toko-pa Turner explores the differences between belonging and fitting in. She shares that “belonging is really a skill, a set of competencies at which we must practice if we are to rise to the call of an aching heart and a fractured world (154).” Fitting in is a false way of being in community, and attempting to fit in is inherently self-abandoning—it’s shapeshifting. It’s changing who you are and how you operate in order to accommodate the space that is available to you. Belonging is a deeply rooted, deeply felt way of connecting with others. Gabor Mate talks about the inner struggle of attachment versus authenticity, and I think fitting in versus belonging is another version of this same tension. Having relationships is important; having relationships that are meaningful, connected, and genuine is a completely different experience than simply having relationships.

I tend to work with people who feel like they are on the outside of things; like they’ve never quite “fit in” or haven’t been able to find the kind of connections that feel meaningful and safe to them. I imagine that to some degree we have all felt this way, but I believe that if you have the special combination of high sensitivity, relational trauma or misattunement in your family system, and/or people-pleasing or codependent traits, it’s more amplified. But it doesn’t have to continue to feel overwhelming, consuming, or inherently rejecting. Relational skills are learned, and this truth is positive for all of us.

When we are exploring the idea of fitting in versus belonging, I think the answer is clear: fitting in does not give us what we really need. Belonging requires skills, learning, growing, and exploring how we can actively be in relationships that are nurturing and nourishing to us, and ultimately these types of connections provide what we are innately searching for as humans. And maybe if we don’t fit in, it’s because we’ve been yearning for belonging all along.

As a reminder, it’s the LAST CALL for the Relational Nourishment Project! We are officially starting next week, and it’s going to be so good.

What you get when you join the Relational Nourishment Project:

• A wonderful community of humans devoted to healing in the same ways you are and a place where you can form real relationships and practice what you’re learning

• Warm, clear, and direct facilitation

• Private podcast episodes where I talk all about nourishment from the perspective of our monthly themes (who doesn’t love a theme?!)

• Journal prompts to support you in reflecting on the work you’re doing, staying present, and reorienting to what is good and nourishing

• A place to ask all of your burning relationship questions, with answers from me and all of the wise community members who are showing up and doing this work alongside you

• Clarity about how you want to move forward in your life in ways that are aligned with your values

• Actual, concrete skills to use in your relationships to support you in communicating clearly, honoring your boundaries, and acting with integrity

• Special events and gatherings with some of my favorite practitioners dropping in to support us, nourish us, and expand our experiences in the group

$300 non-refundable deposit | $200/month for the six month program | Monthly meetings the first Thursday of the month at 10am EST + small group meetings every 2 weeks with your "neighborhood"

I’m so committed to making this the best thing I’ve done! I would love to have you with us during this iteration of the project. The energy of this group and all of us coming together with our unique experiences is going to be special, I’m sure of it. We all have work to do, and we might as well do it together :)

Registration closes this Friday.

Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Warmly,

Elizabeth