Are you a shape shifter in relationships?

Hi there! I’m so glad to be here with you today. As usual, it’s been a wild time (I can’t even count how many times I say that in a week, when I’m bumping into people at the coffee shop or signing on to see my clients. Pretty sure it’s just what it is now—the new normal) and I’ve been occupied with an exciting opportunity that has been distracting me in a good way. I hope I get to share some good news with you soon :)

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the topic I’m going to share with you today. If you’ve worked with me, we may have talked about this concept before. It feels important to explore the ways that we have engaged with this pattern so that we can learn to stand confidently in who we are, and give and get the most we can in our relationships.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself. I hope you are using your voice and advocating for yourself and your community. I hope you are rested, hydrated, and nourished. I am sending you so much love.
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Folks with insecure attachment styles have a skill in common that serves them in many capacities. It’s one that can show up in every type of relationship and tricks us into feeling like we are safe—by blending in, by being passive, by not drawing too much attention to ourselves. And it’s a behavior pattern that comes back to bite us SO HARD that once we stop doing it, life can change pretty dramatically and it can take some time to get ourselves back on track and feeling connected again.

This pattern is SHAPESHIFTING.

My definition of shapeshifting: attuning and adjusting to accommodate an environment, relationship, or situation in order to maintain a perceived sense of safety; this can include self-abandonment or forgoing one’s own needs in order to prioritize others and not seem like “too much.”

There is a degree to which shapeshifting is totally normal and part of being a person—you might make a new friend and start becoming interested in something they like, or you may feel more laid back about what your friend group wants to do because you just aren’t in the mood to make a decision. Aspects of your personality may be illuminated in a new partnership. These are all normal and to be expected.

Shapeshifting or self-abandonment in order to not draw attention to yourself or to maintain the relationship is a different kind of behavior. It’s a way of relating that usually works for a long time, and we may also receive a lot of praise for it in childhood. Being laid back, easy going, or easy to please are qualities adults like in children because they require less energy and management (and adults usually have a lot to do and take care of, so this makes sense). As children, our desire is to stay in relationship with the people who are taking care of us in order to get our needs met. If we are highly sensitive, deeply feeling, and attuned to our environment, we learn quickly which behaviors and ways of being are preferred, and we adjust.

The problem is that learning early in life to self-abandon in favor of making other people happy can cause you to lose yourself. I often work with clients who aren’t really sure what they like, what they are interested in, or who they are at their core—because they have spent the majority of their lives accommodating others and shapeshifting in each relationship they are in. As helpful as this skill can feel in the moment, we can’t just push our feelings down forever (or we can, and suffer the consequences of years of resentment, anger, and self-abandonment). We also come to realize that holding our feelings in doesn’t necessarily keep us as safe as we hoped or result in relationships that feel truly nourishing, caring, and reciprocal—because we aren’t showing up as ourselves in those relationships. They are one-sided, imbalanced, and ultimately unhealthy. And let’s not forget that it can be difficult to trust someone who shape shifts regularly, which is the opposite of what we want when we are shape shifting. If we are in relationship with someone who doesn’t have any “grit”, it’s difficult to connect with them. Perfection and being “fine” are hard to relate to.

A quality of deeply feeling or highly sensitive people is that they can easily blend into their environment. They can mesh well with others because they can always find something to relate to—their empathy and capacity for understanding other people (without even knowing they are doing it) allows them to pick up on the unspoken feelings or desires of a group or another person. Once a deeply feeling person decides that they are going to appropriately prioritize their own needs and feelings, it can feel shocking to the people they are in relationship with. Others may even name it: “Since when do you have an opinion about this? Why do you care about this all of a sudden? You’ve always been fine with this—I don’t get it. Why are you acting this way?” And because they have been working so hard to not rock the boat, it can feel like it’s capsizing completely. For deeply feeling people, this sensation is disruptive and difficult to tolerate. But what is a relationship if you can’t share how you feel? What is a relationship if you are always prioritizing someone else, and they aren’t doing the same for you?

The reality is that even if you’ve been trying to blend in, you have *always* had feelings—you just haven’t expressed them out loud. And the truth is that we NEED you to be yourself. We need your unique qualities, your quirks, your interests, and your sense of humor. If the people you are in relationship with don’t want to know these things about you, then they are absolutely NOT your people. Being honest about who you are is one of the most powerful things you can do in relationships.

I’m so looking forward to exploring this more when we begin the Relational Nourishment Project in September. We are going to really dive into the nuances of creating relationships that feel fulfilling and actively practice this with each other. We already have some wonderful folks hopping in, and I would love for you to be there if you are interested in joining us. You can learn more about the Relational Nourishment Project here, and you can always email me with questions too.

Thank you so much for being here with me.

Warmly,

Elizabeth