Can I tell you a story about a girl who used to have a REALLY hard time in relationships?
She wanted to be in a relationship SO BADLY. She wanted to feel loved and respected. She wanted connection and to receive emotional support, and to give it, too. She tended to choose people who were emotionally distant or maybe needed to be convinced that they were ready for a relationship. This pattern didn’t work out well for her.
Read MoreI recently shared on the Becoming Relational podcast that I’ve been struggling with feelings of low self-worth and doubt—a crisis of confidence! I predicted this would happen when I signed the contract to write my new book. I knew that this level of devotion to something so important to me would challenge me in ways I hadn’t been challenged yet. I’m familiar with this territory, so I know it’s temporary, but that doesn’t mean it’s not tough when it happens.
Read MoreThis blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.
Read MoreI’ve been thinking a lot about how our old relationship patterns show up over and over again in our lives, and how we have opportunity after opportunity to heal those patterns with new people. I see it every day in myself and the people around me (and once you see it, you can’t unsee, so get ready!).
Read MoreI have been dreaming about sharing some big news with you for months, and I am finally able to tell you! I’m just going to get right into it:
I wrote a book!
I am soaking up these last few weeks of winter, taking pleasure in my cozy clothes, evening fires (Nico has been very interested in this process so it’s a sweet opportunity to slow down!), sipping hot tea, and eating homemade baked goods, and the invigorating feeling of a walk in the sun on brisk days. Soon we will be outside running and playing and socializing, and I am charging my batteries as much as possible before then. There is a lot to love in the slowness of these late winter days.
Read MoreThis moment in history is not new; I know in my heart and feel in my body that we have been here before, that people of color and queer folks and other marginalized groups have been feeling this pain for as long as they have been alive. We must honor and acknowledge that if we are going to step forward with integrity…
Read MoreA partner who doesn’t have self-awareness or isn’t interested in growing with you is probably not a good bet. This trait can belong to a person with any primary attachment style. I believe the popular literature that exists about attachment theory does not distinguish between people who are lacking self-awareness and people who have avoidant attachment. They are not the same thing.
Read MoreHello!
I am going to be completely honest here and do a little self-disclosure: I have always been in relationships with people who have shown up with some piece of the avoidant attachment adaptation. Always. My current partner is much more secure and only occasionally will the avoidant part come forward (side note: we have gone to therapy together to work on this dynamic, it didn’t just “happen”), but we had our struggles in the beginning of our relationship, and I fell into my old anxious patterns. We had to do a lot of work to get to where we are now.
Read MoreHi!
As I'm facilitating the Attachment Exploration Group (another one is happening in June!) that started last week, I am realizing how often I have alluded to the concept of secure attachment, but haven't spent much time focused directly on the importance of secure attachment--or what it really means to embody security in relationships. So let's dive in!
Read MoreDear You,
I want you to know I see you.
Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.
Read MoreIn my sessions and my friendships, we do this dance about how things are going in our partnerships. We talk about some of the good things happening in the relationship, the challenges, and the day to day struggle. Then at some point, we get to the deep, nagging fear that I would venture to guess nearly every person in a long-term relationship has thought at one point or another: did I choose the wrong partner?
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