A Love Letter to the Insecurely Attached

Dear You,

I want you to know I see you.

Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.

I know how hard it is when you aren’t feeling connected to your partner. I understand how easy it is to move into a place where you start to wonder if you made a big mistake. I get how quickly you slide into doubt and criticism and start to find every little thing wrong with the relationship, and it adds up to some big things. How your self-protective mode just seems to show up now, without you even having to try. It’s lonely there, but it’s better than getting hurt all the time. I can relate to shifting to a place where you start to consider what it might be like to leave, to start over again, to release yourself from the old patterns and the baggage that has accumulated. It can feel really exhausting to think about how to heal after all this time. To wonder if maybe it’s not worth trying in relationships anymore. To consider just being alone, because maybe that’s what you deserve.

I’m so sorry you have been hurt before. I know it’s painful to not be seen. To be treated as if your needs don’t matter. I want you to know that they matter a lot.

I see your needs, I see your boundaries, and I respect them.

And you know what? You are not broken.

The healing work you do around your attachment styles and behaviors is for YOU. It’s for you to feel more connection and more safety and more love. It’s for you to feel less anxious, less afraid, less closed off. It’s for you. You don’t owe your healing to anyone. There is nothing wrong with you. You have the responses you do in relationships for a reason. And those reasons are almost always painful, or at the very least, lonely.

I want you to know how much I value you. I value your wisdom about yourself. I value your ability to keep yourself safe when you’ve needed to. I wish you hadn’t needed to do that, but I know that we don’t get a choice sometimes. I’m so sad you had to experience what you did. But I am able to see the ways you have grown and changed your life in so many ways because of what you went through.

I want you to know I’m right here. I’m not afraid to dive into this with you. I know it feels scary. I know it’s overwhelming. But we will take it one step at a time. Together. I will pay attention to you. I will notice when you need some more support, or a little bit of space. I won’t let you get to a place where it feels like too much or you can’t handle it. I know you can. I believe in your ability to heal yourself. And I can’t wait to see what your life looks like once you make the choice to heal, for you. It’s going to be so incredibly beautiful. In so many ways, it already is.

I have so much love in my heart for you. For your human experience. For your pain. For your joy. For all of your potential. For the ways you love, even when it’s hard, even after everything you have experienced. For your courage.

You are so resilient. I honor that in you.

I know you feel afraid, but you are safe here. You get to be who you are. And I will keep loving you through it.

Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for taking the risks you do. Thank you for waking up every day and trying. Thank you for believing in healing, even just a little bit.

Love,

Elizabeth

P.S. If you're ready for a gentle, radical way to take care of yourself and do some healing, I have a couple of spots left in my upcoming group. You can learn more here.

I am developing an online course to support folks who are in a relationship with an avoidant partner. My goal is to clarify the dynamic, provide tools and strategies to improve your self-care and boundaries, and give insight about ways to heal (and how to know if it's not working). You can hop on this email list and you will be the first to know when the course is ready. I only send emails to this list about new offerings, so you won't get a bunch of spam. I can't wait to share it with you!