The Power of Observation

Hi there!

I am soaking up these last few weeks of winter, taking pleasure in my cozy clothes, evening fires (Nico has been very interested in this process so it’s a sweet opportunity to slow down!), sipping hot tea, and eating homemade baked goods, and the invigorating feeling of a walk in the sun on brisk days. Soon we will be outside running and playing and socializing, and I am charging my batteries as much as possible before then. There is a lot to love in the slowness of these late winter days.

I have been considering the ways that observation of our own patterns contributes to our ability to heal how we experience relationships. Something that can happen for all of the insecure attachment styles is that we notice something that feels “off” for us in a relationship—someone isn’t diving as deeply into a conversation as we would like, or they are texting a lot or not enough for our liking, and we are feeling uncomfortable, insecure, anxious, or generally put off by their behavior (or at least how we are perceiving it).

Folks with any of the insecure attachment styles have had to become good at navigating when relationships don’t feel right or aren’t meeting their needs. Many of the behaviors accompanying these styles are related to moving out of discomfort and into an emotional place that feels tolerable.

Part of the way we commit to a more secure pattern of relating is by also committing to observing not only the behavior of others, but the behavior of ourselves when discomfort is present. In fact, I think the key to healing adult attachment patterning is getting to know yourself in a way that is honest, in integrity, and sometimes painful (it usually doesn’t feel good to acknowledge our adaptive patterning because when we see it for what it is, it can bring up shame if we don’t have a sense of why it happens or where it comes from). One of the most valuable tools you have in your toolbox is noticing your thoughts, behaviors, patterns, and impulses when you are uncomfortable, especially in the context of relationships. Want to end the relationship? Want to call the person and scream at them for not being in touch with you? Want to throw your phone into the ocean and never look back? All of these responses give you *information* about yourself that is truly valuable in getting clear on your needs and altering relational patterns to give you a deeper felt sense of security all around.

I talk a lot about observing ourselves in my online courses. If you are ready to take a more compassionate approach to learning about yourself and the most important people in your life, please feel free to explore the links below and I would love to provide you with more information.

Over the next two weeks, I will be preparing to share some really big news with you (I’m not pregnant! I feel the need to tell you that ahead of time ;)). I have been holding it in for so many months and I finally get to tell you what I’ve been up to and I promise you won’t want to miss it—especially those of you who have been here with me since the beginning! I am so grateful for your support and I am looking forward to all that will unfold over the next few months in this space. It’s such an honor to support others as they grow, and I am able to look back and see all the ways that I personally have changed since I began Heirloom Counseling in 2017. Almost 5 years after taking that huge leap and feeling so nervous (will anyone care what I have to say? Does my work even matter? Do I know what I’m talking about?), I feel grounded, solid, and confident in how impactful this work is and my ability to share it with you.

I would love to hear how you are using the power of observation in your relationship with yourself and others, and if you have any questions about how this looks in a practical way, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment on the blog or email me directly. I always enjoy hearing from you and answering your questions, whether it is directly or in a later blog!

I can’t wait to be in touch with you here in a couple weeks! Stay tuned for more information about my exciting project. Until then, please take good care of yourself. You deserve it just for being you.

Warmly,

Elizabeth