What to Say to an Avoidant Partner
Hi there!
First, I want to name how important it is to recognize how triggering it can feel to be part of an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. This is one of the most common relationship pairings, and as an attachment specialist and couples therapist, I have seen this one time and again. It’s painful for both partners and connects us back to the most wounded versions of ourselves.
As you may already know, there are many reasons people may have the avoidant attachment adaptation, or the avoidant attachment style. When people grow up in families where emotions are de-centered or aren’t recognized, or where they are taught that emotions should be pushed down or not shown at all, they continue these behaviors into adulthood. They land in relationships with people who are actually interested in their emotions, but at this point, they don’t know how to show them and feel safe at the same time. Their sense of safety has been rooted in keeping the most vulnerable parts of themselves hidden—which does not bode well for intimate partnerships where we are truly interested in learning about our partners. Another reason people can develop avoidant attachment behaviors is because their caregivers were intrusive or often crossed their boundaries in childhood. They learned to protect themselves by putting up emotional walls. This is important as we explore how to navigate the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic.
There are also reasons why it’s particularly difficult for you to be in a relationship with someone who has the avoidant attachment style. You know yourself best, but some of the most common fears that I see with people who have the anxious attachment style include being worried that they will be abandoned, feeling like they may not be chosen or truly wanted, or difficulty trusting others because they have been let down so often in the past. This can result in needing quite a bit of reassurance in a relationship, wanting to be acknowledged in specific ways by their partner, being sensitive to criticism or rejection, and feeling hyper-vigilant (very aware of worried) about the relationship to the point where they desire to have a high level of control in order to stay safe. Both the anxious attachment style and the avoidant attachment style have traits that are developed from real life experience and aren’t easily shifted—but can be with focus, care, compassion, and patience.
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner and are feeling disconnected, there are ways you can communicate your needs while staying true to yourself and not overstepping boundaries in the relationship. You may notice feelings of desperation arise as you attempt to figure out how to reconnect, or you may even feel angry with your partner because they are pulling away. These are all normal feelings to have, and I will encourage you to notice and observe what comes up for you. Reaching out when you’re intensely upset will likely only increase the feelings of separation between you and your partner. Learning skills to manage your emotions and build your tolerance to some distance between you will ultimately support you in your relationship.
This does not mean that you have to tolerate being distant from your partner all the time, or settling in a relationship where you’re needs aren’t met. Not every anxious-avoidant relationship will work. However, if you have confidence in your partnership and you recognize that this dynamic is rooted in negative past experiences and fear, you can learn to ride the waves of emotion that come up and build resilience together.
Here are some examples of ways to communicate with an avoidant partner:
I know you’re needing some space right now and I respect that. Will you please reach out to me when you’re ready to connect? It’s important to me that we communicate about what came up yesterday/last night/this morning because I care about you and our relationship.
Would you feel comfortable taking a break from this discussion? I can tell you need some time and I want you to honor that before you feel like you need to disconnect. I’m happy for you to have some time to collect your thoughts.
This is difficult. I’m not done having this conversation, but I do think we should pause. Can we go for a walk or watch a movie and then get back to this?
The most important aspect of these scripts is truly honoring what you say you are going to do. If you text and say that you want them to reach out when they are ready to connect, that means that you do not text them again until you hear from them. If your partner doesn’t text for days and you are in an established, long-term partnership, you may consider whether they are willing to shift how they show up in the relationship. Again, you have the power to make decisions for yourself that honor your needs. Some avoidant partners will be willing to make changes and others will not. You are ultimately the person to decide what feels good for you and what doesn’t, and how long you are willing to wait to have your needs met.
Finally, learning to manage your emotions while you communicate with your avoidant partner is very important. Self-soothing is a skill that many people with the anxious attachment style did not learn well in childhood because they often looked outside of themselves for help with managing their emotions. This is a challenging realization because it reminds us that we need to look inside of ourselves for courage when we are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or disconnected. That doesn’t mean you can’t rely on friends or family for support (quite the opposite!) but that you can start with you. Deep breathing, journaling, walking, meditating, and other somatic exercises can help you manage the initial wave of emotion and approach your relationship with calm and steadiness.
By learning more about yourself and your partner, you are bringing so much care and warmth to your relationship. I want you to know I’m here to support you. If you’d like to have a real conversation about your relationship and learn strategies to manage what’s arising, or if you’d like to discuss whether you need to make other changes in your relationship, you can book a Virtual Coffee consult call with me here. We discuss your questions and bring a laser-focused approach to making sure you get your needs met during our call. I’m looking forward to connecting with you! In the meantime, please take good care of yourself.
Warmly,
Elizabeth