Can you hold two things at once?

Hi there!

This year has been off to an interesting start for me. Between a cancer scare, the launch of my new book, an accident that totaled my car, and the beginning of my coaching and consulting business, my ability to see and acknowledge both the beauty and the deep frustration of the past few months has definitely served me. The really challenging moments of my life have required me to understand these three things:

  • Nothing is permanent

  • I don’t actually have control over anyone

  • I get to decide how I am going to approach challenges

I have many more lessons coming my way I’m sure, but I am confident about what I have learned so far. One of the things I share with my clients is that in our healing journeys, we will have competing thoughts and feelings, and all of them are welcome—we don’t have to choose when we are trying to understand ourselves and others. In fact, allowing these competing thoughts and feelings to be present can give us valuable information about which parts of us are showing up or activated, and which parts of us need attention and care.

In relationships, developing capacity for holding more than one truth at once serves us in our own growth and also allows us to fully accept and invest in the humanity of others. As with many other cultural binaries, an either/or mentality keeps us stuck and stagnant.

Here are some truths that we can hold together in our relationships:

  • A partner can want to spend time with us and also want to spend time alone.

  • A friend can feel lonely and also feel grateful for their community.

  • A parent can feel excited about their growing family and nervous about how they are going to take care of their own needs.

Relationships are beautiful AND uncomfortable, exciting AND boring, connected AND mis-attuned. If you find yourself wanting to believe that a person or relationship is just one thing, I would encourage you to check in about whether you are feeling any fear or worry in or about that relationship. What is happening that makes you want to be certain? I’ve learned that security in relationships is not about certainty (because when are we ever really certain?), but about flexibility, communication, and a commitment to fully showing up for each other.

Opposing thoughts and emotions can create deep discomfort, especially for the parts of us that want to do things right and be good—because having other thoughts or feelings tells us that we are wrong or bad, which just isn’t true. None of us are all good or all bad (even if our trauma experiences tell us otherwise), and it’s an important part of growth to recognize and tap into the nuances of personalities and relationships. What would it be like to sit with some of these opposing emotions and thoughts, giving yourself the spaciousness and full permission to experience them? What judgements do you notice? What narratives arise? How can you be just a tiny bit more compassionate with yourself as you experience discomfort and greater awareness? And finally, how might those serve you in your relationships with others?

I wanted to let you know that I am doing another round of Pay What You Please for my three virtual attachment courses! I always love being able to offer my online courses at a discounted rate. Healing should be accessible and giving an opportunity to purchase the courses at the cost that works for you twice a year has become a special part of my small business.

Here's how it works: you can purchase one of both of my online courses for up to 50% off this week! I'm including the discount codes below--choose the one that works for you. You have lifetime access to the course and it's self-guided, so even if you aren't ready to get started, you can have it in your back pocket when the timing is right.

If you choose to purchase two or three of the courses, you must do so individually--the course bundle is not included in the Pay What You Please sale since it's already discounted.

If you have any questions for me, don't hesitate to respond to this email and let me know!

Pay What You Please is available now through Sunday, April 24 at midnight!

Here are the codes!

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I hope these courses will support you in your personal healing journey, whatever that looks like for you. I want you to know how proud I am of you that you are engaging in this work (even if you’re simply reading newsletters and gathering information). You are shifting our communities toward more secure attachment, and that is pretty amazing.

Thank you so much.

Warmly,

Elizabeth

Elizabeth Gilletteanxious attachment, anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant dynamic, attachment styles, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, attachment style, attachment theory, attachment, anxious attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, secure attachment relationship, Cultivating Secure Attachment1 Comment