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What I Wish I Knew About Attachment 20 Years Ago

I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 15, 2021attachment styles, attachment style, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, anxious partner, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

Everything You Wanted to Know about Your Avoidant Partner

I am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 18, 2021avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, avoidant partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work, avoidant attachment style, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 5, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, signs an avoidant loves you, how to make anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

How do I move on from my relationship?

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and you are feeling supported in your community.

I am taking the opportunity this week to answer a few questions that folks submitted to me via Instagram. I love being able to respond to your inquiries and provide some perspective from an attachment lens about your experiences. Thank you for your vulnerability and trust!

Elizabeth GilletteAugust 17, 2021attachment styles, attachment theory, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationships, relational patterns Comment

Attachment Work is Worth It

My partner and I were recently discussing our time in couples therapy a few years ago. I’m not sure how we stumbled on the subject, but it was sweet to recall where we were at that time in our relationship and all the progress we’ve made and the growth we’ve experienced since that time. I’m going to be honest—we were struggling. We had gotten married just a few months earlier and all of a sudden it felt like (pardon my language) shit got real. We knew that if we continued engaging in the pattern of having a big argument, feeling resentful and frustrated with no solution, moving on and trying to ignore the problem, then starting all over again, our relationship would be so damaged we might not be able to come back from it.

Elizabeth GilletteMay 10, 2021attachment styles, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant dismissive, avoidant, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachmentComment

Is there a problem in my relationship or am I just avoidant?

Hello! I received this question from someone I’m connected with and I wanted to spend some time answering. When we find ourselves at a crossroads in a relationship and we are aware of how our insecure attachment styles can arise and potentially sabotage us, it can be challenging to determine where the desire to leave a relationship is coming from. Let’s dive in!

Elizabeth GilletteApril 26, 2021avoidant attachment style, attachment style, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, avoidant dismissive, avoidant, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Taking Care of Your Attachment System

In my last blog post of the year, I want to explore how we can care for our attachment systems. We have collectively been thrown into phases of avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment this year—we’ve locked down, craved connection and community, as well as become fearful (rightfully so) of potential exposure to illness.

Elizabeth GilletteDecember 21, 2020anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, attachment theory, avoidant dismissive, relationships, heirloom counseling, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment styleComment

Should I stay or should I go?: The anxious-avoidant dynamic in relationships

I recently received a question from someone I’m connected with via social media. She reached out with this information about her relationship challenges (which I’ve edited so she remains anonymous). I’ve chosen to share it with her permission because I feel confident others have had similar experiences in their partnerships and I know how common the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is. I suspect that if you have ever been in a partnership with this dynamic, this person’s experience will ring true for you.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 10, 2020anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant trap, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant dismissive, fearful avoidant, heirloom counseling, attachment styles, attachment theory Comments

Are you operating from a place of woundedness?

As a therapist, I have the honor and privilege of being able to witness people at all stages of their healing paths. This means that I’m working with people who are still feeling very hurt and we are sorting through the pain together; people who have some space from their experiences and are formulating a plan to practice different emotional patterns; and people who are actively engaging in new routines, making mistakes, and self-correcting based on their new emotional blueprints. Across the board, everyone is actively learning. Sometimes I also encounter folks in the world who haven’t started on their healing work yet or are feeling stuck where they are, and their energy is very different.

Elizabeth GilletteDecember 2, 2019attachment style, attachment theory, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, anxious partner, heirloom counseling, healing Comment

4 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Sustainable

I get questions regularly from folks asking things like, “based on what’s happening right now in our relationship, do you think we can make it? Is it worth trying?” And I totally understand that consideration, especially when you’ve been doing what feels like EVERYTHING to try to make the relationship work.

Here’s what I will say: there is a lot to think about when it comes to determining whether your relationship is something you can participate in for the long haul. I want to offer some aspects of your partnership to consider if you are finding yourself wondering this same thing.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 14, 2019anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, avoidant dismissive, fearful avoidant, anxious-avoidant, healthy relationships, avoidant partner, heirloom counselingComment

How to Tell an Avoidant Person That They're Avoidant

This blog post has been highly requested and I’m happy to share some insight into this tricky dynamic and shed some light on why it can be challenging to have conversations about our attachment styles in the beginning stages of learning about attachment theory—especially if we have an attachment style that is designed to protect us and reduce the impact of interactions that cause us to feel out of control or overwhelmed. Of course, this doesn’t mean the conversation won’t be uncomfortable (it probably will be to some degree), but remember that the emotional response from the person is more about their own experiences and less about you.

Elizabeth GilletteApril 7, 2019avoidant dismissive, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, attachment theory, fearful avoidant, relationships, relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, anxious ambivalent Comments

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