Should I stay or should I go?: The anxious-avoidant dynamic in relationships

Hi there!

I recently received a question from someone I’m connected with via social media. She reached out with this information about her relationship challenges (which I’ve edited so she remains anonymous). I’ve chosen to share it with her permission because I feel confident others have had similar experiences in their partnerships and I know how common the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is. I suspect that if you have ever been in a partnership with this dynamic, this person’s experience will ring true for you.

I want to preface this blog post with the following: not every relationship is the same and I trust that you will make the decision that is best for you in your circumstances. My reflections are not pertinent to every person or relationship so please take what resonates for you and leave the rest.

Here is her description of her experience in her partnership:

Over the past year, my partner and I have had several arguments, none of which I felt could not be resolved by simply talking to each other. He shut down almost all lines of communication, including blocking me on everything but email. We had communication on and off over the summer, but each time I tried to reach out, he would retreat further (even when we had weeks of no contact).

The problem is that I have abandonment fears. I started having anxiety attacks when he'd take more than 3-4 days to reply. I'd reach out to him in a state of panic and then he'd reply showing concern. He unexpectedly opened up about why he shut down last year and why it happened again: he feels misunderstood when trying to express his need for space.

At that crucial point, he retreated again by ignoring my question about what we could do so that he doesn't feel misunderstood. It took about a week before I had a very bad anxiety attack and reached out again. He also said that I make it difficult for him to reply when my emotions are all over the place. He asked for a break. I emphasized that it's the silent treatment and shutdowns that cause my anxiety, not the fact that he needs space sometimes. That was our last exchange, a couple of months ago.

I did 4 weeks of no contact to give him space. I reached out to see how he was doing at the end of September. He didn't answer. Last weekend, I missed him so much that I emailed him again and my anxiety spiraled out of control.

I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned and rejected, hurt, and humiliated because a part of me fears he enjoys ignoring me. We have this one hurdle in our relationship, but it seems he needs things to be perfect otherwise he'll punish me with silence. I cannot handle the silence.

What can I do? I am absolutely devastated and don't know how to re-open the lines of communication and to restore trust. Do I assume it's over between us?

I want to first acknowledge how incredibly painful this dynamic can feel. I am so familiar with this situation and I promise that you are not alone in it. I receive questions similar to this one every week and I can feel the pain beneath the words—because it’s HARD.

When you have the anxious attachment adaptation, this type of back and forth cuts to the core of your fears of abandonment and disconnection. My heart aches when I hear about this dynamic because I know from experience how difficult it is to be engaging in a partnership this way.

Overall, I believe that relationships in which a partner is anxious and another is avoidant can be incredibly healing for both partners. I believe we are drawn to each other because we can provide for one another what we didn’t receive in our early relationships or throughout our lives. For people with the anxious adaptation, being in a relationship with someone who can set boundaries (versus putting up walls) can be so healing if we didn’t have clear expectations or consistency growing up. For folks with the avoidant attachment adaptation, partnering with someone who is openly warm and loving meets our deep need to be seen and acknowledged.

But here’s the tricky thing: finally receiving these ways of being in relationship with someone can be so painful. It doesn’t seem fair, but it’s true. For one, if our partner is meeting our needs partially or in a triggering way, it can actually activate our nervous systems rather than soothe them. When we have not had our needs met in this way for the majority of our lives, we have to develop a new way of processing emotions and we have to grow and change in order to learn how to do that. In my experience, growth is usually pretty uncomfortable. And sometimes we aren’t ready to be that uncomfortable or dig down underneath the surface to face what must be healed (or our partner isn’t).

Here’s the other thing that I’ve learned over time, personally and professionally: the anxious-avoidant dynamic can work if partners are willing to do the work. If one partner isn’t interested (meaning they aren’t ready, they haven’t acknowledged the challenges, or they simply aren’t willing), the dynamic is amplified and it actually gets worse. I have a blog post about knowing whether your avoidant partner is willing do the work if you’re curious whether your partner demonstrates these characteristics.

So if you are in a situation similar to this one, I have these questions for you: is your partner ready to do the hard work of healing old patterns? Does he truly want to work on things and is he taking steps to do so? Is your relationship sustainable if he doesn’t make any effort to change? When you envision your partnership a month from now, 6 months, a year *just as it is*, how do you feel in your body? Are you able to identify any ways that you are potentially contributing to the relationship dynamic that you can focus on (versus focusing on your partner’s behaviors which are out of your control)? What do you need, and are you receiving it in your relationship?

There is no clear answer to your question and I know how uncomfortable and possibly upsetting that is. When a partner has some insight into their behaviors, it gives us hope for the relationship. It feels workable. But if the insight isn’t followed by behavioral changes, a widening circle of support (like starting therapy), or a different approach to the challenges, we start to wonder whether our partner is really ready to make necessary changes so that our relationship has a chance to function in a healthy way. We can’t make that decision for them, but we can determine whether the way things are going is working for us.

I want to remind you that if you are feeling hopeless about your relationship or that there is no way it’s going to change, it is okay to consider leaving your partnership and investing in a relationship with someone who is ready to do the work to communicate openly and heal their patterns. I have so much compassion for folks who aren’t ready; I think it speaks to the pain of their past and the depth of their attachment wounding. But we can’t make them ready, as much as we might try—and that lesson in itself is part of the work we must do ourselves. Healing happens for each person on their own time and if your timing is different than the person you are with, I support your decision to move on to a relationship that feels fulfilling and reciprocal. That being said, it’s important to acknowledge any work you have to do and feel confident that you have done what you could on your end of the partnership to show up with integrity.

If you’re at this place in your relationship, please know I’m sending love and clarity your way. How does this land for you? How have you managed being in this tricky place?