A Heartfelt Apology, and the Importance of Accountability

This weekend, I was changing some log-in information for one of my social media platforms, and I had to log in to a VERY old email account to rest the password. I had forgotten it even existed! My stomach dropped the moment I realized this account was connected—because if it was still around, that means that it may have been in use without my knowing. I thought “please, please, PLEASE don’t let there be real emails in this inbox.”

And sure enough, there were literally HUNDREDS of email responses to my newsletters over the past 16 months. Somehow, the email address that your newsletter responses are sent to was changed to this old email address that I haven’t checked in years. I will spare you the details of my emotional response in that moment, but you can be sure that it was not pretty. I was absolutely mortified. My nervous system was activated instantly. I still don’t know how we landed here (technology glitch? Human error?), but it honestly doesn’t matter—it happened.

There is room for discussion around intention versus impact here—obviously, I didn’t mean for this to happen but the reality is that many of you emailed me, some just saying hi, some asking important questions, and some wanting to be connected to a therapist (myself or otherwise), and you didn’t receive a response. I take that very seriously. Even when we don’t mean to hurt each other, we do, and it’s important that we take accountability and work to repair. Our egos can come up in this and we can say “I didn’t do it on purpose! Why should I apologize for an accident?” I want to name that when this happens, it’s important for us to check in to our internal response. Are we feeling defensive? What does it mean to us that we caused harm, even unintentionally? What have we learned about causing harm? What have we learned about repair?

Many of us have not seen repair modeled before, at least not growing up. I talk to so many people who never saw their parents argue or resolve a disagreement in front of them, or people who ended relationships when things became challenging because the idea of trying to wade through the discomfort just felt like too much. I want to offer an alternative: that there is healing, wisdom, and deeper connection in reaching out for repair and naming the ways in which we have messed up. It doesn’t feel good, but I think that means we are on to something—that we are carving out a new pathway of relating that is worth working toward.

I am so sorry that I did not respond to so many of you over the past 16 months. I’m sure it was confusing and painful, among other things, to hear me say “reach out and I would love to hear from you!” and then be met with silence. I want you to know that it’s not your fault and that I have found the source of the problem and it’s corrected. I am going to do better in the future and slow down to make sure my systems are all in place the way that they should be, and when I get the gut sense that something is off (I certainly was wondering if maybe all of my material got boring and no one cared anymore based on the lack of interaction!), I will check on it and take the time to figure out what’s going on. I do want you to know that I am reaching out to many of you now, knowing that time has passed and some of your questions required a timely response. If there is something you are wondering now, I want you to count on the fact that I will get back to you if you’d like to message me again.

Thank you for understanding, and again, I am so sorry. I appreciate each of you and I am grateful for the ways you have supported me over the years. If you have any questions about this at all, I am here (for real).

Love,

Elizabeth