What does relational nourishment mean to you?

Hi there!

Today I want to talk about relational nourishment. In order to talk about relational nourishment, I think it’s also important to talk about the ways in which we are often *not* nourished. And it’s difficult to talk about that when so many people in our world are literally starving—in Palestine, in the Congo, in Sudan—being made to starve, when aid is blocked and parents are holding babies who are light as air. I want to name all of this before we begin because nothing exists in a vacuum and everything we are experiencing right now as deeply feeling, attuned, and sensitive beings impacts how we align with action. We are inherently connected in this world of ours. Don’t look away. Please continue to bear witness and hold space, amplify the voices of people on the ground, advocate and use your voice.

As I’m developing the curriculum for the upcoming Relational Nourishment Project, I’ve been considering how to define this concept and make it feel real for all of us. Opportunities for relational nourishment begin very early in life. Relational nourishment can be the sound of someone's voice; I can remember humming and singing the same songs for my babies once I knew they could hear my voice, wanting them to be familiar with the songs I would sing to them as I soothed them in the middle of the night when they arrived here. Relational nourishment is also touch—it’s patting, rocking, a steady hand on a shoulder or a forearm to stabilize a child who is testing their physical abilities to jump or balance. My partner wore both of our children in a wrap for their naps daily for many months. Relational nourishment is attunement, noticing, meeting others where they are. Anticipating if a joke will land well, or if someone instead needs quiet, space, comfort or a cup of tea. It’s learning to ask about what might feel good instead of assuming, and taking fewer things personally. It’s navigating nervous system ups and downs with confidence because you know how to regulate yourself, or seek out co-regulation when needed. Relational nourishment is responsiveness, reciprocity, a true interest in showing up and connecting.

I’ve learned in my fifteen years as a therapist that many people did not receive adequate relational nourishment. This happens for many reasons—structural and systemic, trauma and neglect. Sometimes we don’t even know that we didn’t receive this type of nourishment because we don’t have any other perspective or experience; it’s just the reality. But what I’ve also learned is that relational nourishment can be cultivated at any point in our lives if we know what to look for and how to do it. Creating relational nourishment requires a combination of approaches: seeking relationships that can provide it, building our internal capacity to receive it, learning to tune into the parts of ourselves that can offer it to us, and supporting others by nourishing them in the ways we know how. But when you didn’t receive it as a child, it’s more difficult to cultivate as an adult because you don’t have the blueprint, the map, the guidebook that tells you how. It can feel frustrating and defeating to say the least.

Nourishment is a basic need—and not just when it comes to consuming food. Receiving and providing care is a fundamental aspect of being human. In our increasingly technology driven world, I’m afraid that we are losing sight of the foundational need to connect, to feel seen, and to provide care for others. I want the work that we are doing in our lives to transform us in the most positive way. I want you to feel like you can go to a friend or a family member or a partner rather than ChatGPT. I want you to to be known, and to know others. In order for this to happen, I believe we need to push back a bit on what is expected of us. We don’t need to boycott technology to feel the positive benefits of connecting with others. In fact, I think technology can genuinely support our desire to connect. But it can’t replace real relationships that are empathetic, nurturing, and compassionate.

Here are some questions for you to ponder as you explore relational nourishment: What does it mean to you? Can you think of a time when you felt seen, considered, appreciated, or met in a relationship? What was that like? When you are in that place of feeling nourished, how does it shift your outlook on your life? What feels possible when you are nourished that deeply? What steps can you take today to cultivate more relational nourishment in your life?

There are so many opportunities to connect more deeply with one another. My hope is that we can meet the moment and respond to what is being asked of us right now: to truly see one another, practice relating with care and intention, and be the community we all so desperately need.

The Relational Nourishment Project is open for registration! (I’ve noticed that part of me wants to downplay how wonderful this is going to be, so I’m practicing being honest about how excited I am and trying not to make myself small :)). In the project, you will learn to cultivate more nourishment in your life, practice relational skills, communicate more effectively, gain insight into your needs and how to meet them, and build real relationships with people who deeply care about community. The structure of the group is flexible: meet once per month with the large group on the first Thursday of the month at 10am, then schedule meetings with your small group every other week. Outside of those times, we will also have creative meet-ups, yoga classes, practice sessions, a private podcast, and a messaging board. I love the multi-faceted nature of this project, and I truly can’t wait to be part of it with you. Please let me know if you have questions!

Thank you for being here with me.

Warmly,

Elizabeth