Attachment and crushes and exes, oh my!
In therapy and coaching sessions that are focused on healing attachment wounds, we talk a lot about past relationships and the attachment patterns that show up consistently for my clients so we can better understand their relational needs and learn how to meet them in adulthood. A pattern I see often (and have experienced myself of course) is ruminating about or idealizing exes, and/or having intense crushes while being in a monogamous relationship. I have lots of thoughts about this from years of utilizing attachment theory, so let’s dive in :)
I want to start by saying that as with everything related to attachment theory, this topic is nuanced. My words will not apply to every relationship or experience. I’m also speaking to monogamous relationships here, and I recognize that there may be room for many other types of relational experiences. This is my opinion and experience working as a therapist and coach. If it doesn’t work for you, please feel free to disregard and move on :)
There are situations where having a crush can feel fun, and I consider it to be a normal part of being a person in the world. Just because you are in a monogamous relationship does not mean you don’t notice when people are kind, funny, or attractive. You can feel more than one feeling at a time, and if you experience a crush and it feels easy to navigate, I support you!
The kind of crushes I’m talking about here today are the ones that feel (for lack of a better word) excruciating. The ones that take up all of your brain space, have you ruminating about them, or feel distracting from your daily life. I’m adding exes to this mix because I hear often that people are somehow reminded of their ex or they dream about them or see an old picture and all of a sudden they are fixated on them again. I think part of what feels so exhausting and frustrating about these situations is that they can cause people to wonder if maybe they need to *do something* about the crush or the ex. They may wonder if there is a glaring issue in their partnership that they are missing, and that’s why they are having feelings for someone else. Does this mean you should leave your partner for the cute person at the coffee shop? Do you need to travel across the country to find out if you are still in love with the person you dated 20 years ago? These big questions (not to mention the mental and emotional space this can take up in your body when you’re trying to do your regular life) can create a significant amount of stress.
An experience like this can show that you may be disembodied from your own life or relationship. The mental fixation on another person draws your energy from your real life and it’s more difficult to enjoy what you do have. I have found that when people are spending their precious energy on a crush or an ex (especially when they are idealizing them and not seeing them as a whole human being with flaws), it’s more difficult for them to turn toward their partner to do the work that may be necessary in their relationship to help it feel more fulfilling. We only have so much mental and emotional energy, and I think it’s really challenging to be in our integrity in a committed partnership and also be fixated on someone else.
I’ve found that people who have any portion of the insecure styles in their attachment “pie” almost always have extremely creative, imaginative brains. They create amazing stories and narratives and this can be both wonderful and exhausting in regards to crushes and exes. When you are that creative, you can create a new story that isn’t actually real or embellish experiences in ways that make them feel more appealing or desirable. It’s important to check in with yourself about what is real and what other people might observe if they saw your relationship with the person you are thinking about. Would they witness what you are experiencing, or is it happening internally for you? People with insecure attachment styles also tend to idealize people, even if their actual experience in the relationship didn’t feel good. We can conveniently forget how shitty we felt in that relationship and how frustrating it was and only focus on the things we think we might like about an ex. We see a person in the world and only experience certain aspects of them in specific contexts, but we fill in the gaps in our imaginations and create a whole story that feels interesting to us.
Noticing these fixations are an opportunity to correct imbalances in your current relationships. Emotional hang ups can indicate that you are distracting yourself from something in your live that is painful to face or difficult to navigate. The “insecure” attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) can use the safety or emotional distance with a crush or an ex to express feelings of longing or desire for connection in ways they may not feel safe to do in their current relationships. If you turn to face the reality of your current relationships, what does it tell you? It may be that there actually is a significant problem in a partnership or dissatisfaction in your circumstances. It may also tell you that you need to correct something, set a boundary, or take an action to get back in alignment in your life.
Crushes or ruminating about exes may also let you know that you are wanting or needing something different in how you are moving through the world. What does the crush or ex symbolize for you? They can represent a past version of yourself, or even the person you are aspiring to be. I’ve found that having crushes can actually give fresh perspective on who you are as a person—thinking about yourself from their view can let you know the ways you’ve changed or illuminate what it’s important to you at this point in your life. There is something appealing about being seen in a new light, from the perspective of someone who isn’t directly involved in your life. Introducing yourself to someone new (or old, but it’s been a long time) gives you control over how you represent yourself. You get to decide how you want them to perceive you, what you want them to know about you. It may be that you are looking for clarity or reflection about yourself, and deepening into what’s important to you may be the thing that’s needed (instead of pursuing something new). You may also need something different in your current partnership and considering what the crush or ex provides for you when you think about them can give you insight into what you are needing. Do you imagine them thinking about how great you are when they learn your interests? Does it feel good to have a broader view of your life and who you’ve become in the world when you see it from their view? What does this tell you about what you value and where you want to spend your time?
There may be situations where acting on a crush is the correct action, but I recommend doing that as a last resort if you are in a committed partnership. Have you addressed the issues that are coming up between you and your partner? Do you have needs that aren’t being met in your relationship that you haven’t brought up yet? Unless you have a specific mutual agreement in your relationship about connecting with other people outside of your partnership, I think it’s really important to have integrity in your relationship and do what needs to be done with a partner *before* you do anything related to a crush.
I encourage clients to imagine sitting down at a coffee shop with the person they are ruminating about. Whether it’s an ex that you wonder if you should get back together with, or someone you have a crush on, consider what it would be like to sit across from each other and talk about the relationship. What would you say? I use the example of “I am now ready to leave my family and start our relationship together. Are you ready for that?” I have found that when we ground the relationship and make it feel more real, it shifts how we are conceptualizing it. It can also jolt us out of idealization when we think about actually saying the words and picturing how the conversation would go.
Here are some questions you can reflect on when it comes to ruminating about a crush or an ex:
What do you really love about your life and relationships?
What do you want to work on in the relationships you have that would make them feel more connected or supportive?
What is the crush or ex distracting you from right now?
What would you do with the time you spending thinking about them, and would you like to spend it differently?
There is so much you can explore when it comes to feelings about crushes and exes. It can feel intimidating or scary to dig in and understand where the feelings are coming from, but it’s important to get clear about what they mean and what actions (if any) need to follow to be in integrity for yourself and your relationships. And of course, I’m here to support you if that would be helpful. Please don’t hesitate to reach about about therapy or coaching!
Sending you love,
Elizabeth