How to Connect, Based on Your Attachment Style

In the attachment and relationship world, we talk a lot about prioritizing connection, but we don’t necessarily talk about *how* to go about the connecting part. Depending on your attachment style, the prospect of creating connection may be fraught with stress or anxiety, or maybe even feelings of desperation or dread. I think it’s important to explore what it means to really connect with another person, what our goals are for connection, and how to connect in a way that feels natural and ultimately safe for us.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 29, 2021attachment styles, attachment style, attachment theory, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationshipsComment

What I Wish I Knew About Attachment 20 Years Ago

I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 15, 2021attachment styles, attachment style, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, anxious partner, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

How to Give Your Partner Space

A common question in relationships is “how much space should I give my partner?” It’s tricky to navigate this at times, especially if you are in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Your partner indicates they want space, but you want to know *exactly* what that means. This desire is completely understandable—we know that for folks with the anxious attachment adaptation, that space can feel excruciating at times. And of course, you want to do it well and be respectful of your partner’s needs.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 2, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

Everything You Wanted to Know about Your Avoidant Partner

I am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 18, 2021avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, avoidant partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work, avoidant attachment style, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 5, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, signs an avoidant loves you, how to make anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

This Attachment Statistic Blew My Mind

I read an article recently that shared this statistic that I hadn’t heard before in my attachment theory studies:

“Further research tells us that in approximately 85 percent of cases a child…will have the same attachment pattern as the parent” (Buckwalter and Ehmen, 2013).

It makes sense that children will have a similar attachment style to their caregiver in a number of cases—but 85% of the time?!

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 21, 2021attachment styles, attachment theory, attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, anxious, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, avoidant Comments

Healing is Our Responsibility to Each Other

I’ve been thinking a lot about healing our attachment wounds in the context of community. I am so lucky to have an amazing network of people in my life who are fully on board with doing the work—our individual work, our collective work, and everything in between—and in conversation with these people, I am reminded of not only my care and love for them but of my responsibility to them. My life does not exist in a vacuum. The actions I choose to take and how I show up in the world directly impact my family and my community, and our communities are all connected.

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 13, 2021secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationships, effective communicationComment

The Joys of Secure Attachment

If you’ve been doing attachment work in any capacity, you already know that our collective goal is to work toward a greater sense of security. Even those of us with secure attachment have the opportunity to bring more awareness to our interactions and be the safe, secure base for many people in our families and communities.

Elizabeth GilletteAugust 31, 2021secure attachment style, attachment theory, attachment styles, healthy relationships, secure attachment relationship, relationships, relationship goalsComment

How do I move on from my relationship?

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and you are feeling supported in your community.

I am taking the opportunity this week to answer a few questions that folks submitted to me via Instagram. I love being able to respond to your inquiries and provide some perspective from an attachment lens about your experiences. Thank you for your vulnerability and trust!

Elizabeth GilletteAugust 17, 2021attachment styles, attachment theory, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationships, relational patterns Comment

Why Consistency Matters

If you’ve been around Heirloom for a while, you already know this but I think it’s important to share again: connected relationships require the presence of intentional behaviors just as much as the absence of unhealthy patterns.

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 30, 2021anxious attachment, attachment styles, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

Online Course Sale, Updates, and TEND!

I have some updates for you this week!

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 19, 2021online courses, online course, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, anxious, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant dynamic, sec, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, diComment

How I Use Attachment Theory

This post feels important to me. I hope it lands for you, too—and as usual, I am open to your feedback and thoughts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for reading.

As a white woman creating material to support folks who are interested in healing their early attachment wounds and creating healthy adult relationships, I want to emphasize that I am not the end-all-be-all when it comes to this work. I approach attachment theory in a very specific way (one that I hope brings a lens of compassion and justice through relational health and fulfillment) and there are many other approaches that are just as valid and important.

Elizabeth GilletteJune 28, 2021attachment theory, attachment style, social justice, equity, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, secure attachment, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment style, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

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