The Joys of Secure Attachment
Hello!
If you’ve been doing attachment work in any capacity, you already know that our collective goal is to work toward a greater sense of security. Even those of us with secure attachment have the opportunity to bring more awareness to our interactions and be the safe, secure base for many people in our families and communities.
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about what it means to act as a secure base for my 19-month-old son, Nico. His little brain is growing so quickly and I see the connections he makes about his experiences in the world on a daily basis. Every interaction we have is an opportunity to show him that I love him unconditionally and that our community is a safe place to explore and learn. Of course, this is more complicated for me as I wonder about whether our world is actually safe, given the constant onslaught of news about the ways in which the world seems to be falling apart. But my job is to be as consistent, safe and reliable as I possibly can be for Nico and to take care of myself in the process. I still have work to do to become more secure and parenthood has consistently shown me how true that is.
When I think about the presence of security in relationships, I think it’s important to remember that it’s not just the absence of negative interactions—secure attachment relationships give us the chance to experience a myriad of positive relationship qualities that enhance our well-being and bring us a lot of joy. This is true for parent/caregiver-child relationships, partnerships, and family, friend, and community relationships. When we are attuned, responsive and consistent with one another, there are opportunities for healing and change.
Today I want to share some of the joys of secure attachment. This list is by no means exhaustive, and some of the joys are bodily sensations and experiences that are difficult to put into words anyway! Having these joys as goals not only inspires us to continue to engage in the challenging work of shifting towards security but also reminds us to slow down and experience the sweetness of secure attachment when we have it.
The Joys of Secure Attachment
Clear communication. No need for mind-reading! Everything is out on the table, even the uncomfortable stuff. We always know what’s happening, and that clarity gives us a lot more freedom. If for some reason we don’t know what is happening, we can ask—it’s that simple.
Secure attachment gives us mental and emotional space for creativity. We have the opportunity to be the fullest versions of ourselves because we have a secure base to connect with and we are supported and held through all of our transitions and transformations.
We know we’re not alone, even when the world feels like it’s falling apart on a daily basis.
We are able to experience trust in our relationships—we believe that others will do what they say they will do, and we don’t have to spend our time doubting the intentions of the people in our lives. We also get to experience other people trusting us and knowing that they can count on us to show up for them.
We feel more confident in what we are providing in the world and we trust that the roles we are in are important, valuable and meaningful.
We are better able to handle stressful events because we have handled them before. We develop a track record of navigating tough situations with support and we know that we can do it again—even if it’s really hard, even if it’s something we’ve never done before. We believe in ourselves.
We know what it feels like to be truly grounded, solid and resilient. We bounce back from challenges more quickly and with less effort.
What have you found to be the joys of secure attachment? What have your secure attachment experiences taught you about how to be in the world? How has secure attachment changed over the course of your life?
I want all of us to have the opportunity to experience deep healing and emotional security. My new self-paced online course TEND: A Secure Attachment Deep Dive launches in just a few weeks! It’s designed for folks who have a foundational understanding of attachment theory and are ready for something deeper. We will be talking all about nervous system activation and regulation, rupture and repair in relationships, and practical and sustainable tools for increased security in every relationship in your life. If you’re interested in a launch discount, please add yourself to the First to Know list! I love to send a hefty coupon code to folks on that list for their continued support in my endeavors (I appreciate you!).
Thank you as always for reading.
Warmly,
Elizabeth