One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 5, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, signs an avoidant loves you, how to make anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

This Attachment Statistic Blew My Mind

I read an article recently that shared this statistic that I hadn’t heard before in my attachment theory studies:

“Further research tells us that in approximately 85 percent of cases a child…will have the same attachment pattern as the parent” (Buckwalter and Ehmen, 2013).

It makes sense that children will have a similar attachment style to their caregiver in a number of cases—but 85% of the time?!

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 21, 2021attachment styles, attachment theory, attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, anxious, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, avoidant Comments

Healing is Our Responsibility to Each Other

I’ve been thinking a lot about healing our attachment wounds in the context of community. I am so lucky to have an amazing network of people in my life who are fully on board with doing the work—our individual work, our collective work, and everything in between—and in conversation with these people, I am reminded of not only my care and love for them but of my responsibility to them. My life does not exist in a vacuum. The actions I choose to take and how I show up in the world directly impact my family and my community, and our communities are all connected.

Elizabeth GilletteSeptember 13, 2021secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationships, effective communicationComment

The Joys of Secure Attachment

If you’ve been doing attachment work in any capacity, you already know that our collective goal is to work toward a greater sense of security. Even those of us with secure attachment have the opportunity to bring more awareness to our interactions and be the safe, secure base for many people in our families and communities.

Elizabeth GilletteAugust 31, 2021secure attachment style, attachment theory, attachment styles, healthy relationships, secure attachment relationship, relationships, relationship goalsComment

How do I move on from my relationship?

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and you are feeling supported in your community.

I am taking the opportunity this week to answer a few questions that folks submitted to me via Instagram. I love being able to respond to your inquiries and provide some perspective from an attachment lens about your experiences. Thank you for your vulnerability and trust!

Elizabeth GilletteAugust 17, 2021attachment styles, attachment theory, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, healthy relationships, healthy communication in relationships, relational patterns Comment

Why Consistency Matters

If you’ve been around Heirloom for a while, you already know this but I think it’s important to share again: connected relationships require the presence of intentional behaviors just as much as the absence of unhealthy patterns.

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 30, 2021anxious attachment, attachment styles, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

Online Course Sale, Updates, and TEND!

I have some updates for you this week!

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 19, 2021online courses, online course, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, anxious, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant dynamic, sec, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, diComment

How I Use Attachment Theory

This post feels important to me. I hope it lands for you, too—and as usual, I am open to your feedback and thoughts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for reading.

As a white woman creating material to support folks who are interested in healing their early attachment wounds and creating healthy adult relationships, I want to emphasize that I am not the end-all-be-all when it comes to this work. I approach attachment theory in a very specific way (one that I hope brings a lens of compassion and justice through relational health and fulfillment) and there are many other approaches that are just as valid and important.

Elizabeth GilletteJune 28, 2021attachment theory, attachment style, social justice, equity, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, secure attachment, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment style, Cultivating Secure AttachmentComment

Flexibility and Secure Relationships

The themes of flexibility and patience have been up for me lately. Do you ever notice how the same lessons keep coming up over and over again until we finally learn them? For me, the lessons related to flexibility and patience usually have to do with reworking all of my big plans, pivoting last minute, WAITING (the worst!), and soooo many deep breaths.

Elizabeth GilletteJune 8, 2021secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, attachment theory, attachment, attachment styles, Cultivating Secure Attachment Comments

Attachment Work is Worth It

My partner and I were recently discussing our time in couples therapy a few years ago. I’m not sure how we stumbled on the subject, but it was sweet to recall where we were at that time in our relationship and all the progress we’ve made and the growth we’ve experienced since that time. I’m going to be honest—we were struggling. We had gotten married just a few months earlier and all of a sudden it felt like (pardon my language) shit got real. We knew that if we continued engaging in the pattern of having a big argument, feeling resentful and frustrated with no solution, moving on and trying to ignore the problem, then starting all over again, our relationship would be so damaged we might not be able to come back from it.

Elizabeth GilletteMay 10, 2021attachment styles, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant dismissive, avoidant, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachmentComment

Is there a problem in my relationship or am I just avoidant?

Hello! I received this question from someone I’m connected with and I wanted to spend some time answering. When we find ourselves at a crossroads in a relationship and we are aware of how our insecure attachment styles can arise and potentially sabotage us, it can be challenging to determine where the desire to leave a relationship is coming from. Let’s dive in!

Elizabeth GilletteApril 26, 2021avoidant attachment style, attachment style, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, avoidant dismissive, avoidant, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

I used to be a person who would lose herself in romantic partnerships. And to be honest, over the past 14 months of being a mother and experiencing a global pandemic, I’ve felt whispers of those times in my life. Who am I anymore? What do I like? What is it like to maintain some of my energy for myself rather than constantly investing it in others?

Elizabeth GilletteApril 12, 2021anxious, anxious-ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious partner, anxious attachment style, secure attachment, secure attachment relationshipComment

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