We know that the interplay between anxious and avoidant attachment styles is one of the most common—and I believe it’s because there is so much healing opportunity if we can increase our awareness of this dynamic and actively make changes. It can also be the most painful if we don’t take steps to address the ways we are engaging in a negative cycle.
Read MoreIn a previous blog post, I talked about strategies for soothing partners with an anxious attachment adaptation. As we talked about before, understanding our personal attachment styles as well as our partner’s can help us deescalate tricky relationship dynamics before they become blow-out arguments. In this post, we’ll be talking about soothing strategies for folks with an avoidant attachment adaptation.
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No matter how it happens, break-ups are usually hard. Even if there is an element of relief or celebration or freedom, seeing another person saddened and hurt is hard to take, especially when that person is our partner. In long-term relationships, we become good friends, even best friends. We grow, and we change each other every day. Our own attachment beliefs, needs, and traumas are triggered within our relationship patterns and can cause us to stay in a relationship that is no longer fully joyful, healthy, or happy for us. Sometimes we are ready to put in the work that relationships require, and we are committed to doing that; but today I’m talking about relationships whose time has passed and the end is overdue for one or both of us.
Read MoreAt Heirloom Counseling, my practice is rooted in attachment theory, the understanding that early relationships shape us and influence how we operate in our adult relationships. We learn from a young age if our environment is safe, if we can trust others, and if our needs will be met. Today, I am sharing information about what happens when a relationship experiences an attachment injury, and the security previously felt is suddenly absent.
Read MoreWhen I was young, people commented on my sensitivity. They would tell me that everyone knows how I am feeling by the look on my face, that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I learned that I needed to toughen up, thicken my skin, get a better poker face if I was going to avoid further comments and keep anything to myself. It sounded harsh then, but what I know now is that these people were trying to protect me. They could see that the way I walked through the world was not going to be easy for me, and that if I showed up just how I was, I would get hurt. A lot. Who wants that for someone they care about? Parents want to protect their children from pain and loss as much as possible. But what I have learned is that there is no way my family could have protected me from what would come. My parents would have done absolutely anything to save me from my life experiences and the depth of feeling that would accompany those moments, but they just couldn’t. They had to figure out how to support me.
Read MoreArguing with our partner is quite possibly one of the most stressful day-to-day experiences we can have. On the way out the door to work, when we arrive home and are trying to get dinner on the table, or right before bed; no matter how it happens, it’s kind of the worst. Bedtime is my least favorite argument time. My partner and I are both exhausted and even our best deescalating and coping skills can’t stop a petty disagreement from becoming a blow-out argument where we go to bed pissed and wake up feeling crappy.
Read MoreFamilies can be complicated or wonderful (but usually both). There are times when a person may feel it necessary to end contact with a family member. These reasons can vary significantly: there may be a history of abuse or neglect, really challenging communication, high levels of conflict, or strong differences in opinion about important issues. Estrangement can also occur after a big life transition, like getting married or having children. Sometimes estrangement can look like complete disconnection, or very calculated communication, only discussing specific topics and avoiding sensitive ones altogether.
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