A Brief Guide to New Relationships for the Anxious Attachment Style

I want to acknowledge that even though I speak a lot to navigating established relationships with long-term partners, I see MANY people in my practice who are not currently partnered. Their goals are often to work through their old patterns so they can show up in new relationships in a grounded, clear, and confident way. So this week, I want to share more about that experience (as it can be nervewracking and overwhelming for folks—because dating is HARD!) and provide some support, specifically for people with the anxious attachment style.

How to Tell an Avoidant Person That They're Avoidant

This blog post has been highly requested and I’m happy to share some insight into this tricky dynamic and shed some light on why it can be challenging to have conversations about our attachment styles in the beginning stages of learning about attachment theory—especially if we have an attachment style that is designed to protect us and reduce the impact of interactions that cause us to feel out of control or overwhelmed. Of course, this doesn’t mean the conversation won’t be uncomfortable (it probably will be to some degree), but remember that the emotional response from the person is more about their own experiences and less about you.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

I want to start off by sharing something vulnerable with you. An interesting thing has happened for me as I’ve been working on the Understanding Avoidant Attachment Course.

I started to doubt myself.

I started to feel disoriented as I came up against all of the ways that I too have been conditioned to believe that the avoidant style is “bad.” I started to ask myself if I really know how attachment theory works, if I even understand attachment and connection and how to heal our relationships. I was incredibly uncomfortable and also really sad. Moving forward required me to tap into my resources, ask for help, and sit with the doubt long enough to transform it into something I could work with.

What's on your secure attachment playlist?

I’ve been interested in continuing to connect with you in ways that shake up the traditional blog post. I love attachment theory because once you learn about it, it’s easy to apply it to all of the relationships in your life. One of the most beautiful ways we express our feelings about relationships, connection, and love is through music—so I started to consider what it might be like to create a Secure Attachment Playlist that captures the stability, consistency, and warmth of secure connection and allows us to tap in to that feeling whenever we want.

The Fluidity of Attachment and Healing

I receive this question often: “Can my attachment style change?” And the simple answer is yes, definitely.

The more complicated answer is something like “yes, definitely, depending on who you are with, what the relationship feels like, and the work you have done to shift your style(s) and heal yourself."

Because fear, instability, uncertainty, and inconsistency can activate our attachment wounds, the relationship we find ourselves in at the moment can make all the difference as far as which characteristics or tendencies are showing up. And don’t forget: every person has each of the attachment styles to some degree, they are just activated at different times and in different contexts.

Elizabeth GilletteFebruary 24, 2019 Comment

A Conversation with The Breakup Therapist

Y’all, I am so excited about the blog this week. As a proponent of healthy relationships, I am also a proponent of healthy breakups—because breakups are part of the relationship continuum. Sometimes after digging in to the personal and relationship work, we might realize that we have come to the end of a partnership (note: this comes back to the idea that the work in relationships may not have the outcome we were hoping for). This realization can be painful or liberating or unimaginable (or any combination of those emotions) and to me, it’s really important that we navigate this part of the relationship in a way that allows for dignity for ourselves and our partner.

Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let's talk about the differences.

I receive many comments on my blog posts about people with the avoidant attachment adaptation. Some people feel relieved to know that there are ways to work with this attachment style and foster more secure connections in their relationships. Other people respond strongly to the posts, letting me know that they don’t feel it’s at all possible to work with this style and people with the avoidant adaptation should absolutely be avoided.

So that’s what we’re talking about today.

How to Apologize When You Haven't Done Anything Wrong

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner let you know they wouldn’t be able to move on until you apologize to them? And you’re wondering why you should have to apologize when you don’t even know what you’re arguing about (and you clearly didn’t do anything wrong and they should get over it)?

Yep. It’s definitely a thing.

Are you a good partner?

We are usually not taught how to be in relationship with other people, at least not explicitly. Our learning comes from our experiences—and until we are actually in a romantic partnership, we don’t know how to do it. We learn as we go.

Many of us have a tendency to focus on what our partner isn’t doing rather than what we could be doing better or differently to improve our relationship(s). When we focus on what isn’t happening, we aren’t bringing our best selves to the partnership.

What are you healing in your family?

When I created Heirloom Counseling, my intention was to bring focus to the fact that our relational patterns are passed down from generation to generation. This means we have the opportunity to heal our entire family line when we show up to do the work in the present moment. This realization is incredibly powerful if we believe we have the tools to engage in relationships with integrity and awareness. If not, this task can feel overwhelming and pressured.

Healing the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Dynamic: Part 2

One of the first blog posts I wrote about attachment in relationships has turned out to be my most-read post to date, and for good reason: the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic can be REALLY HARD. I totally get it. If you have experienced it before, you know exactly what I’m talking about. All it takes is a snag in an interaction to trigger the negative cycle and before you know it, one person is pulling away and “going out for a while” and the other person is crying and angry and wondering how they ended up in a partnership with someone who doesn’t talk about feelings—ever.

Relationships Are Everything

The title of this blog comes from adrienne maree brown, the author of Emergent Strategy. Her words are like a hug from someone who tells it to you so directly that there is no way to misinterpret their words. You trust their opinion and value their experience and know you are in the presence of someone powerful. That’s how I feel about adrienne.

As I stepped back this weekend and took inventory of my life and relationships (to my favorite beings, projects, spaces, and communities), I realized that in sharing my belief that we are here to take care of each other, I want to be incredibly specific about what that means.

heirloom counseling blog

© 2018 Heirloom Counseling