Keeping relationships healthy is hard work. For social and cultural reasons, many people choose to keep their relationship challenges private. I totally get it, and I also think it's sad that many of us grow up assuming that if we love someone, the relationship will work itself out and everything will be okay. That belief is far from the truth, in my opinion. And most of the time, we don't learn otherwise.
Read MoreHello!
If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to operate on the avoidant side, I imagine you feel more anger, frustration, and desperation than you do compassion for your avoidant partner. I hear that. I used to feel the same way, especially when I was in relationships with avoidant folks and I felt shut out, shut down, and disconnected most of the time. As I talked about last week in part one of this post, my experiences with avoidant partners were incredibly challenging and often had me wondering what was wrong with me in relationships and why I was always "too much" for my partner.
Read MoreHello!
I am going to be completely honest here and do a little self-disclosure: I have always been in relationships with people who have shown up with some piece of the avoidant attachment adaptation. Always. My current partner is much more secure and only occasionally will the avoidant part come forward (side note: we have gone to therapy together to work on this dynamic, it didn’t just “happen”), but we had our struggles in the beginning of our relationship, and I fell into my old anxious patterns. We had to do a lot of work to get to where we are now.
Read MoreHi!
As I'm facilitating the Attachment Exploration Group (another one is happening in June!) that started last week, I am realizing how often I have alluded to the concept of secure attachment, but haven't spent much time focused directly on the importance of secure attachment--or what it really means to embody security in relationships. So let's dive in!
Read MoreDear You,
I want you to know I see you.
Relationships may be difficult for you. You probably find yourself in the same pattern over and over and you wonder why you always end up with someone who criticizes you and wants more, or someone who ends up pulling away and shutting down and feels emotionally unavailable to you. You wonder if you will ever land in a relationship that feels good. If you will ever find someone who gets you. Where you can share who you really are and not be afraid that they will leave you. Where you can finally get off of the emotional rollercoaster. Where you can feel stable, grounded, and safe.
Read MoreIn my sessions and my friendships, we do this dance about how things are going in our partnerships. We talk about some of the good things happening in the relationship, the challenges, and the day to day struggle. Then at some point, we get to the deep, nagging fear that I would venture to guess nearly every person in a long-term relationship has thought at one point or another: did I choose the wrong partner?
Read MoreRelationship disconnection is a common occurrence in many relationships, and it makes sense why—we can’t be attuned to our partner and their needs all the time, and even if we are, it’s likely that we will make mistakes as far as anticipating what they may need or the type of support that will feel best for them. In secure relationships, when partners recognize they have become disconnected, they intentionally work together to repair the attachment rupture, come back together, and be sure they are on the same page as they move forward in their relationship.
Read MoreHi!
I've found in my life that one of the most frustrating aspects of being in relationships with others is negotiating competing feelings. For example, I love my partner so much and then the times when we argue or have other types of relationship "misses", I feel so frustrated and annoyed that it takes everything I have to turn toward our relationship instead of away from it. The times when I can't find the strength, logic, and/or trust to turn toward our partnership, I can engage in other patterns that are not helpful at all--but it doesn't mean I don't love my partner or don't want to reconnect. I see this in my practice with couples all the time. We've talked recently about self-sabotage, self-abandonment, and relationship triggers. Today I want to pull all of those concepts together.
Read MoreHave you ever abandoned yourself? Chosen someone else’s comfort, needs, or happiness over your own over and over again? Tamped down your own desires just to make someone else feel more comfortable? Known that what was happening in a relationship was just not working for you but stayed with it anyway?
Me too.
Read MoreHi!
One of my favorite things to do with clients is explore attachment patterns. As we know, our attachment patterning begins very early in our lives. Changing these patterns requires focus, information, and processing—and it’s totally possible to shift them to a more secure way of operating.
Read MoreThis is the first time I have written any part of my cancer story. It’s not perfect; in fact, it’s far from it. It’s also long. If you have been to therapy before, you know that the first time we speak or write a story that is based in traumatic experience, we are sometimes surprised. This is pretty personal. I am telling this story because I know there are people out there who have had this experience, or have a good friend or family member who has, and maybe this will help you understand. Maybe you won’t feel alone (you’re not). I also hope it may help you or a loved one advocate for yourself. Our bodies know things; mine did, and I’m glad I learned how to listen.
Read MoreWe have talked about attachment as a pattern of relating between two people, or even a family. This week, I want us to explore this from a bigger picture perspective.
There is a lot of hurt in the world right now, and there has been for a long time. Some of us are just waking up to the deep, chronic, persistent pain that people of color, LGBTQ people, native people, and differently-abled people (among others) have been experiencing for years. When we recognize the pain of others and are able to feel into the pain, we are motivated to make the pain go away.
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