You Are Worth Staying With

Hi!

This time of year is always reflective for me. Something about the quality of the light and the chill in the air moves me to sit in my favorite coffee shop and journal about my year and everything that I’ve learned. And this year was another doozy, wasn’t it? We have been through it collectively and individually.

I’ve spent quite a bit of my relational life working to earn love from others. I didn’t know it for a long time, but I became really good at figuring out what people were looking for in a partner, in a friend—in whatever role I was playing, really—and I learned how to meet those needs REALLY well and without them even asking. It allowed me to feel important, special, and most importantly, loved (hello, fellow Enneagram 2s! I see you!).

Now I notice that pattern before I engage in any action. And the truth is that the sensation is so incredibly uncomfortable that I understand why I showed up in that way. Why I self-abandoned over and over again for as many years as I did. The desperation of wanting to be loved and appreciated is urgent, a churning and prickly sensation that “only” requires stepping out of my integrity to soothe. Those steps don’t take much sometimes. The distance is short when our pain is acute. Tiny baby steps, a little bit of shame, and all of a sudden I’ve lost myself. How about you? What sensation, fear, or need can move you out of your integrity? I’ve done it enough times to know that no matter how uncomfortable I am, there is *never* a good enough reason to leave myself.

I have learned that I am worth staying with.

I’ve learned this through relationships in which people don’t cater to my craving for roller-coaster emotions. The people who don’t bite when I put out the bait. The people who push aside all the fluff and look at me with eyes full of compassion and care and ask me what I really need in this moment. My point is, I haven’t learned this all by myself. I don’t know that it’s possible, that idea that we have to learn to love ourselves before we love someone else. We need to develop a framework in which we understand ourselves IN RELATIONSHIP with others. That’s how we learned in the first place, and it’s how we need to learn now. That’s what our attachment systems do. It’s how we survive in this world.

As you wrap up your year and you are looking back at your experiences and relationships, I encourage you to check in about who your people are. Who are the ones who remind you that you are valuable and wonderful for exactly who you are in this moment? Who are the people who show you compassion and hold your heart tenderly, even when you can’t? Which relationships in your life absolutely light you up? The people you can’t wait to see again? The people who love you in the most complete, unconditional ways, who hold you accountable, who want to support you, who remind you of who you are at your core? THOSE are your people. That’s what we’re going for with attachment work. Every relationship looks different, but the feeling of being welcomed and loved? More of that, please.

We learn to love and respect ourselves through relationships that are oriented toward security and emotional safety. I am so excited to support you in cultivating these values in the new year and beyond. We have come so far and there is more for us to explore together. I’m really grateful to be here with you. Thank you for showing up whenever you can.

Warmly,

Elizabeth