How to get off the emotional rollercoaster
Hello!
One of my favorite things to do is support people in cultivating healthy relationship patterns, even if they didn’t experience those patterns growing up in their family systems or their early relationships. I believe we are capable of learning to relate in new ways and creating a deep felt sense of security in our partnerships, friendships, and community relationships.
I often remind my clients that people with healthy attachment can sometimes appear…boring. I say this with so much love in my heart because those of us who have the anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment adaptations often look for “rollercoaster” relationships. The emotional ups and downs feel so typical that when we connect with someone who is more secure, we wonder why the partnership feels so predictable—like when someone says they will call you and then surprise! They do. What is that?! I don’t need to chase them? I don’t have to beg them to be in a relationship with me? What about long arguments? Gaslighting? Feeling crazy? When those things don’t happen, we have the opportunity to see all the ways that we have grown accustomed to unhealthy attachment patterns.
Which leaves lots of room for us to do our own work.
Recognizing this pattern is step one, but what do you do after you realize that you’re hooked on a pattern of relating that doesn’t help you get what we really want?
Give yourself a hefty dose of compassion. We all come by our relationship patterns honestly and there is not something *wrong* with you because you find yourself craving emotional ups and downs. That being said, we all have the responsibility to become conscious of our own adaptations and make a consistent effort to heal ourselves and rework our old patterns.
Understand your values in relationships and let them guide you in the choices you make. What is important to you in a partnership or friendship? And how might this change over time? If you are in a relationship with someone who does not share your values, you will likely feel the push/pull dynamic more often and find yourself trying to convince your partner to change their values or agree with yours. What might it be like to partner with someone who shares similar values and encourages you to dig more deeply into what is already important to you?
Recognize that you are worthy of experiencing this type of connection. You deserve security, stability, predictability, and respect. You really do.
See red flags for what they are, and identify green flags too. I remind my clients all the time that people will tell you who they are and it’s very important to listen to them. I’ve shared before about my experiences in the dating world, and I admit that I was the queen of convincing partners to be in a relationship with me, even when they said they were not looking for a serious relationship. I was so determined to obtain a false sense of security that I pushed them into committing to a partnership and guess what? All of those relationships completely crashed and burned. I learned my lesson the hard way!
It’s also a wonderful thing to learn to identify green flags in relationships. How might you know that someone is a good fit for you? When they call you back right away? When they communicate with you throughout the day and that’s your style too? When they give you space during the week and then you come together on the weekends and share your experiences? Notice when partnerships are working. It’s a good habit to develop for healthy relationships.
Set appropriate boundaries and identify how you are going to cope with setbacks. You will likely find yourself engaging in old relationship patterns, even if the relationship itself is healthy. You will hear yourself say something you used to say all the time in a previous relationship or notice that you’re falling into a victim mentality or avoiding reaching out to your partner because it just feels easier to disconnect. How will you handle these moments? How can you stay accountable to yourself and your partnership? What will that conversation look like with your partner?
I hope this feels helpful as you navigate your old patterns (or are in relationship with someone who is doing that work currently) and commit to healing and growth. I’m here to support you in any way I can!
Warmly,
Elizabeth