Scripts for Soothing the Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Hi there!
One of the things I love most about being an attachment therapist and working with attachment styles is teaching clients and their important people how to soothe the specific wounds of each style. Depending on your relationships growing up, you likely experience certain aspects of relationships as particularly painful, tender, or vulnerable. Growing up in an environment where there was consistent fear, violence, or unpredictability in relational dynamics can produce a disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style. This style can feel conflicted, confused, and protective in adult relationships because relationships are both necessary (as we are wired for connection) AND early relationships have created a blueprint that creates a strong activation of the survival instinct.
The deepest healing for this style often comes from corrective experiencing, or new experiences set against the backdrop of old trauma, guided by a knowledgeable attachment therapist or coach. However, there are many ways that people with this style or their partners or families can help support a new experience of relationships.
As a relational therapist, some of the goals in supporting folks with this style that I’ve found to be helpful include:
Providing a sense of safety, calm and clarity
Reassuring them that their feelings won’t push you away or cause you to react unpredictably
Acknowledging their needs and their pain over the course of their lives, and emphasizing that you won’t contribute to it knowingly or intentionally
When people with the disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style experience conflict or potential/actual disconnection in relationships, the alarm bells start ringing. The drive to stay safe is activated and their response to conflict can feel unpredictable. If you have the fearful avoidant attachment style, you may experience a sense of immediacy: getting away from the person or situation, moving into isolation, or even wanting to address the conflict right away when time or space may actually be helpful. One of the keys to understanding the disorganized attachment style is recognizing that there is not a typical relational pattern they follow. People who have more of the anxious style will likely “move toward” in conflict, whereas folks with more of the avoidant pattern will withdraw or pull away. The disorganized style is named this way because there is not a standard way of navigating conflict other than prioritizing safety.
I would like to share a few scripts I have found helpful in this work. You may practice using them in your relationships with people who have the disorganized style or if you have a good portion of this style yourself, you may try using them when you feel activated and notice if anything shifts for you.
I can see that you're feeling emotionally triggered right now. Your feelings are completely valid.
I am here for you when you need me. I won't rush you or push you. I respect your need for space and closeness on your own time.
You are so important to me. I know that might feel challenging to hear at times, but I want you to know that I care about you always.
I know you have been through a lot in your life and your experiences and feelings matter to me. Thank you for being open with me and sharing when you feel comfortable.
I hope these are helpful! Please let me know how they land for you.
Warmly,
Elizabeth