Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let's talk about the differences.
Updated November 8, 2026
Hello!
I receive many comments on my blog posts about people with the avoidant attachment adaptation. Some people feel relieved to know that there are ways to work with this attachment style and foster more secure connections in their relationships. Other people respond strongly to the posts, letting me know that they don’t feel it’s at all possible to work with this style and people with the avoidant adaptation should absolutely be avoided. This means I have the opportunity to provide clarification and continue to explore this topic in more detail.
Many of those comments come from people who were genuinely hurt by an avoidant partner, and a post like this one can feel dismissive of that pain. I take that seriously. I've updated this post to say more clearly where avoidant behavior is painful, where it can cross into abusive behavior, and how to tell the difference.
So that’s what we’re doing today.
I want to acknowledge how complex this concept is and state that there is no way I will cover every single aspect of it in one post. There will probably be things I miss. What I can tell you is that I am writing this post with the purest of intentions, with the goal to clarify what feels to me is an inaccurate conclusion that has been supported repeatedly and is now creating harm in our communities and relationships. I want to acknowledge that intentions and impact are not the same thing—as noted in many of the original comments on this post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
As with every blog post, I want to remind you that your experience is YOURS. I’m not here to tell you what is right for you, that you should stay in your relationship, that you should end your relationship, or that there is something wrong with you or your partner. In fact, that is the last thing I want to do. I am here to provide a perspective that is rooted in my own experience as a person and a clinician. I am a human being, too, with an opinion and a heart—and we might not see things the same way.
If you’re afraid of your partner or feel unsafe, you don’t have to figure out your next steps alone. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. More resources are at the end of this post.
I have experienced situations where people equate the avoidant attachment style with abuse. Here is what I want to say: people with the avoidant attachment adaptation are not inherently abusive. This stereotype is not only harmful for the people who are working hard to heal themselves, but it's dismissive of their early experiences and their deep longing to connect with others. At the same time, a protective strategy can still hurt the person on the receiving end, and that person experiences the behavior, not the reason behind it. Whether we see it or not, people with the avoidant style are protecting themselves against hurt, pain, and abandonment by shutting down and moving away. There are people who are avoidant who are open to increasing their ability to tolerate discomfort, stay engaged in a process that feels emotionally overwhelming, and learn how to share in a way that feels right for them. Part of the problem is that we are often told that all people with this adaptation don't want to do the work—and it's just not true.
People who are avoidant are avoidant for a reason; it doesn’t just happen. Often times, when people are avoidant, we attribute their behaviors to personal choice rather than an understanding that their behaviors and worldview stem from their experiences and those experiences have shaped how they show up in the world. However, that doesn’t mean that people are not responsible for their behaviors or actions in relationships. In fact, I think that part of what heals us is taking responsibility as adults and understanding that we get to have a say in our healing. We may not be able to change what our experiences were when we were younger, but we are able to say “I’m an adult now and I want my relationships to look this way.” From the outside, that kind of responsibility shows up as behavior that changes over time, not only insight or good intentions. Understanding why someone behaves a certain way explains the behavior; it doesn't excuse it, and it absolutely doesn't obligate anyone to stay.
Avoidant behavior is most often experienced as neglectful rather than abusive in relationships. The avoidant partner shuts down, moves away, closes off, or in some other way removes themselves from the interaction. Neglect is painful, and living with it for a long time can create wounds, including anxiety, self-doubt, and trauma symptoms. I want to make sure we don’t minimize that experience. I think we need to take a good critical look at what we call this experience, because abuse has a specific meaning: a pattern of behavior that uses fear, control, or punishment to limit another person's choices, safety, or sense of reality. When we stretch that word to cover every painful relationship, I believe it becomes harder to recognize and respond to situations that do involve real coercion.
Importantly, this isn't about intent. Many people who behave in harmful ways don't consciously plan to, and a lack of awareness doesn't make behavior less harmful for the person receiving it. What matters is the pattern and the impact of that pattern. If your partner is manipulating you, mentally or emotionally, or physically enacting harm, isolating you, or in some other way creating a situation where you are unable to ask for help or support, we have moved past an avoidant attachment style and into something much more harmful and potentially dangerous that involves power and control. But these are not qualities of the avoidant style on its own.
There is also a middle ground that doesn't get named often enough: behavior that is harmful, and even controlling in effect, without being a full pattern of abuse. Using the silent treatment to end every conflict, stonewalling for days, or leaving a partner in the dark about where the relationship stands can do real damage. It also helps to separate an abuser from abusive behavior: a person can have an avoidant adaptation and still engage in behavior that is abusive, and that behavior deserves to be named plainly and addressed, whatever its origin. In the same way, there are people who enact abuse who are not avoidant. Again, it’s important to name here that there are people with the avoidant attachment style who do not engage in abusive behaviors, and there are also people with the avoidant style who do. They are not one and the same.
The Power and Control Wheel below gives insight into abusive behaviors. It is just one framework we can use to understand abuse, and does not cover every behavior we might see.
Image from the National Center for Domestic and Sexual violence www.ncdsv.org
I appreciate this quote from Sarah Schulman, the author of Conflict is Not Abuse:
“Being in a negative moment with another person can be destabilizing, hurtful, and stressful, especially if a person’s self-concept requires them to think of themselves as perfect. But it is not, by definition, Abuse. It could be Abuse, if one has power over another, but if not, it’s a Conflict. And being in a Conflict is a position that is filled with responsibility and opportunity.”
To me, this means we each have a responsibility for how we show up in a relationship, including how we respond when someone is hurting. It also means we have choices about entering into or continuing a relationship with a partner or any person who is not meeting our needs, for whatever reason. Leaving a relationship is rarely simple, especially relationships that cycle between closeness and withdrawal, where hope and confusion can make it hard to see clearly. Struggling to decide whether or how to leave is not a personal failing. A relationship can be filled with conflict, not be a good fit, and we may not feel like our best selves in it, without that automatically making it abusive. However, when a partner leaves you guessing about where things stand, or withholds the information you would need to make your own decision about a relationship, that is worth naming and taking seriously if it continues.
If you're trying to tell avoidant behaviors apart from abusive ones, these questions may help:
Can you say no, disagree, or ask for what you need without fear of consequences? If so, what do you expect to happen?
Does the distance your partner takes help them settle themselves and then attempt to return, or is it used to pressure you, win an argument, or limit your choices? Note: distance can feel like punishment, especially if you have an anxious attachment style, so look at the pattern over time, not only how it feels in the moment.
When you name the hurt, does your partner turn toward it, even clumsily, or deny it, blame you, or escalate? If you address these issues when you are both calm, does the conversation go differently?
Does the negative pattern you see stay within your emotional relationship, or does it extend to money, friendships, or your physical safety? Does your partner attempt to control you?
Does your partner say plainly what they can and can't give you, and are they honest about where the relationship is headed? Or do they actively try to keep you in a tumultuous dynamic?
If your answers mostly match the first option in each question, you may be seeing avoidant behaviors in action. They can still be painful, and they are worth working on. Insecure attachment patterns across the spectrum get in the way of connection because they are rooted in protection, fear, and old wounds. If you answered no, or felt afraid to answer, on several of these, take that seriously. This topic is nuanced, so a therapist or advocate can help you look at your particular situation and decide on a path forward.
I also want to draw attention to the fact that it appears we value anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors differently. I have observed in mainstream conversations about attachment that many folks have a belief that people who want to connect, even if they do it in a way that can cross over the boundaries of others or impede on their personal space, are better than people who choose to be on their own. As a species who is wired to connect, it makes sense to me that we believe this. But what surprises me is our lack of compassion and understanding for the attachment styles that don’t feel as comfortable connecting. And in a society that is so focused on individuality and uniqueness, it doesn’t seem congruent to me. The other thing it’s important to note here is that as a society, it seems that we are becoming more avoidant as a whole (I attribute this idea to Diane Poole Heller). With the continued development of technology, our access to cell phones and social media, and our shift from talking face to face and over the phone to texting and emailing, we are losing our ability to comfortably connect with others. When was the last time you chatted with your neighbor and weren’t thinking the entire time about how to get away?
All of that being said, there are situations where people are more on the avoidant end of the spectrum and they also have some other stuff going on, including mental health challenges, traits of narcissism, what some might call personality disorders, and/or abusive behaviors. They may be controlling, physically or emotionally harmful, manipulative, coercive, or intimidating, and they may withhold communication or their intentions to keep a partner uncertain or stuck. In those situations, the behaviors need to be named and avoidance doesn’t explain it away. Whether they are avoidant or not, those behaviors are not acceptable. Or maybe they are avoidant and they have no desire whatsoever to change, they don’t want to do the work, they are reliant upon their behaviors and they don’t acknowledge that they are engaging in those behaviors in order to protect themselves.
In these relationships, it may be helpful to find support and leave the relationship if you feel like you aren’t getting what you need or you are being harmed. In any relationship, if you are feeling harmed physically, emotionally, or mentally, it is okay for you to make a decision about whether the relationship is healthy for you (and if you are being harmed in any of those ways, you absolutely do not deserve to be). Your experience of harm counts whether or not a particular label fits. If at any point you are feeling fearful or you are being harmed, I encourage you to seek support and talk with someone who can give you some resources and perspective. Sometimes when we are in a complex situation, we don’t realize how unhealthy it is until we are outside of it. I’m listing some resources at the end of this post.
I believe it’s really important that we continue to examine these beliefs about each of the attachment styles and move to a place where we support one another in our healing and bring compassion, knowledge, and hope to each person with an interest in growing and changing their relationship patterns. I hope this post feels clarifying. I understand the information doesn’t always feel “good”, but I do hope you are able to integrate what works for you here into your daily interactions and engagement with people in your life and community. I appreciate you being here, as always, and I welcome any questions or feedback!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Asheville resources:
National Resources:
National Center for Domestic and Sexual Violence
https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/
One of my passions is supporting people in deeply understanding the avoidant attachment style. I've created a self-paced online course called Understanding Avoidant Attachment. This information will support you in healing yourself (regardless of your attachment style), your relationships, and your family line. The work you do now changes everything from here on out. This course is designed both for people who have the avoidant style AND people who are in relationship with someone with the avoidant adaptation. You can expect concrete tools, strategies, and lots of compassion for wherever you find yourself in your healing.