4 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Sustainable

Hello!

I get questions regularly from folks asking things like, “based on what’s happening right now in our relationship, do you think we can make it? Is it worth trying?” And I totally understand that consideration, especially when you’ve been doing what feels like EVERYTHING to try to make the relationship work.

Here’s what I will say: there is a lot to think about when it comes to determining whether your relationship is something you can participate in for the long haul. I want to offer some aspects of your partnership to consider if you are finding yourself wondering this same thing.

I like to preface these conversations by reminding you: at no point in your relationship should you be exposed to abusive dynamics. If your partner frequently calls you names, hurts you physically, intentionally neglects you or your basic needs, or otherwise harms you, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust and ask for help. No human being ever deserves to be hurt in these ways—and you do not need to accommodate them in your partnership.

So is your relationship sustainable? Here’s how you might know:

#1: You are both showing up (to some degree)

When it comes to doing the relationship work, are you both showing up? If you are partnered with someone who is more on the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum, you may feel like they aren’t participating to the same degree that you are. But here’s what I want to remind you: there are many ways to participate in a partnership. The way you engage in your relationship will likely look different than how your partner participates. It’s easy to get caught in the comparison trap and become quick to judge how our partner is or isn’t showing up (and let’s be honest—sometimes we aren’t our best selves, and we don’t show up the way we know we could—and this goes for partners, too).

If you find yourselves talking about your relationship together and are both wanting improvement, that’s a good place to start—but that’s just the beginning. It’s important to remember that we don’t want to stop here if we are looking for a relationship that goes the distance. We need to take steps to make it happen, too.

It’s also important to mention that if you find yourself working through codependent behaviors or tendencies as a result of your early experiences, you may notice that you tend to give lots of permission to your partner to not show up fully for you in the ways you truly need and crave. If this is the case for you, I encourage you to get clear about what it might feel like to experience a relationship where the other person is seeing you for who you are and what you need (which may feel overwhelming at first—please go slowly). Then, use this sense in your body to guide you in determining whether your partner is showing up for you in these ways. The support of a great, body-based or somatic therapist can really help with this.

#2: You take time to focus on yourself and how you are participating in your relationship

What would happen if you focused only on yourself for a while? We tend to zoom in on our partners when things are really hard (noticing only what they aren’t doing, what we wish they might do, how they are hurting/abandoning/suffocating us) and this actually blocks the way for transformation in our partnerships. We are truly the only people we can control—so what can we do differently?

Getting out of our own way in the relationship is often one of the most difficult (and rewarding) things we can do. I’ve said this before and I will say it again (probably forever!): whatever work you don’t do in your current relationship will need to be done in your future partnerships. This means that if you find yourself stuck in an anxious spiral in your current partnership, it’s extremely likely this part of you will continue to be triggered in other relationships (even with a secure partner, because this is the emotional blueprint you are walking into the relationship with). Doing your personal work is one of the most empowering steps you can take in changing EVERY relationship you have in your life—but especially the ones that feel vulnerable and tender. If you’re ready to dive in to that work, I’m here to support you from the comfort of your own computer or phone, on your own time.

#3: Your partner meets at least SOME of your basic emotional needs (for now)

Is your partner meeting your basic needs? Do you know what your basic needs and requirements are in a relationship? Is your partner there for you at all or are they completely shut down and disengaged? Do you know what you need from them that you aren’t receiving? Do THEY know? How have you communicated your needs to them?

We know that with the anxious-avoidant cycle, we engage in the same push-pull dynamic that likely feels familiar to us from childhood or other early relationships—and when you communicate your needs in the midst of that dynamic, I can pretty much guarantee your partner will NOT hear them the way you’d like them to. When I meet with couples who have been engaged in their partnership with this dynamic present, we work hard to find different ways of communicating needs, emotions, and experiences—which leads me to point number four.

#4: You are both open to trying new things in your relationship

I see individuals all the time and I am a huge fan of the individual work we can do in counseling—but your relationship deserves time and space in the therapy room also. When we work together individually, we are really working from your perspective. I have referred most of my individual clients to couples therapy at one point or another because I so firmly believe that work with a good couples therapist (especially one who understands attachment and the anxious-avoidant dynamic) can change the entire course of a relationship. If you or your partner aren’t quite ready for couples therapy, agreeing to approach a disagreement from a different perspective can be helpful—which is why I created the Support Bundle for Disconnection in Relationships (it’s $18, comes with a meditation/coaching recording to remind you of what’s important in your relationship that I encourage folks to listen together, and provides downloadable tools that you can use over and over again to approach disconnection differently).

If all four of these points are checked for you, I encourage you to notice what it feels like in your body to consider doing more work in the partnership. Are you relieved? Are you dreading it? Does it feel scary in a way that will serve your highest self? These messages can give you a lot of information about whether your partnership is sustainable—and if you’re in a place where doing more work feels like the right step for you. It’s also okay if you’re not in that place, and acknowledging that is an important step.

Give yourself lots of time and space to make decisions about your relationships. I do know some folks who have woken up and just known that it was time for their relationship to end—but this is usually after LOTS of work, consideration, and questioning. For most people, it’s important to experience the ebbs and flows of the partnership over time; to notice how their relationship shifts when they do their own work; to allow themselves to view the partnership from a different perspective, rather than the one they have been using for years; and to get really good SUPPORT around making these important changes.

In love and healing,

Elizabeth